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TPO15-Q1: People make friends in many different ways. What do you think is a good way to make friends? v.1

TPO15-Q1: People make friends in many different ways. What do you think is a good way to make friends? v. 1
In recent years, many people have argued that school should concentrate more on teaching regional history instead of world history. Although I agree with this point of view, there could be a case for saying that learning world historical events is also important for children. First of all, amongst there are several advantages associated with learning local past, the most significant of which is to understand thoroughly the origin and meaning of traditional events, customs and so on of their motherland. Therefore, the youngsters could maintain the valuable tradition for the next generation. Furthermore, local history is a storehouse of information about how the ancestors had lived, had thought and had fought to protect their land. For example, by listening about the rebellion of Trưng Sisters against the ruling yoke of Qin dynasty to liberate Vietnam, Vietnamese children could understand the value of freedom and respect the sacrifice of their ancestors. Accordingly, teaching local history is synonymous with educating about patriotism. However, we should not underestimate the importance of world history. In order to understand more thoroughly and more deeply the regional past, it is necessary to relate the local historical events with corresponding world conditions. For instance, when studying about the Communist Party, which ruled Vietnam beginning in 1945, it is indispensable to acknowledge that the October revolution in Russia helped Nguyen Ai Quoc, later founder of the Vietnamese Communist Party, find the way to liberate Vietnam through Marxism ideology. Furthermore, as the world has become globalized, knowing the history of other countries is beneficial. People are prone to approach and support people who express respectfulness of the local culture and history. Consequently, it provides more opportunities for children to work and make friends with foreigners. In conclusion, it is my belief that although local history is more necessary, world history has its important role. I am convinced that the study of local history should parallel with world history so the children could apprehend history more effectively.
In recent years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have argued that school should concentrate more on teaching regional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view, there could be a case for saying that learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for children.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, amongst there are several advantages associated with learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
past, the most significant of which is to understand
thoroughly
the origin and meaning of traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, customs and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on of their motherland.
Therefore
, the youngsters could maintain the valuable tradition for the
next
generation.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is a storehouse of information about how the ancestors had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
, had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
and had fought to protect their land.
For example
, by listening about the rebellion of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Trưng
Sisters against the ruling yoke of Qin dynasty to liberate Vietnam, Vietnamese children could understand the value of freedom and respect the sacrifice of their ancestors.
Accordingly
, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is synonymous with educating about patriotism.

However
, we should not underestimate the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. In order to understand more
thoroughly
and more
deeply
the regional past, it is necessary to relate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
with corresponding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
conditions.
For instance
, when studying about the Communist Party, which ruled Vietnam beginning in 1945, it is indispensable to acknowledge that the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
October revolution
in Russia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
Nguyen
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ai
Possible spelling mistake found.
Quoc
, later founder of the Vietnamese Communist Party, find the way to liberate Vietnam through Marxism ideology.
Furthermore
, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
has become globalized, knowing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of other countries is beneficial.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are prone to approach and support
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who express respectfulness of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
culture and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
Consequently
, it provides more opportunities for children to work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with foreigners.

In conclusion
, it is my belief that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is more necessary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
has its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role. I
am convinced
that the study of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
should parallel with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the children could apprehend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
more
effectively
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO15-Q1: People make friends in many different ways. What do you think is a good way to make friends? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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