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TPO (S7-Q1): If friends from another country were going to spend time in your country, what city or place would you suggest they visit? Using details and examples, explain why. v.1

TPO (S7-Q1): If friends from another country were going to spend time in your country, what city or place would you suggest they visit? Using details and examples, explain why. v. 1
Nowadays, there is the controversial issue of believing that people such as film stars, pop musicians or sport stars, people working in entertainment are overpaid. Personally, I do not agree with this statement and in this essay I will explain the reason why, and in addiction to this, I will discuss which other types of jobs I believe are underpaid. Firstly, it is relevant to mention that entertainment is an industry that moves a lot of money, thereforetherefore they should be paid accordingly, and most of them are private, so the wage put into it does not belong to the public sector. People have nothing to do with the capital paid to actors or musicians or even sport stars as they are paid according to the work they do. For instance, if a musician produces a best selling album, record it and goes on tour all around the world, the payment they deserve should reflect their merit of creating music to millions of people. On the other hand, there are industry sectors obviously not valued as they deserve to be, such as people who save lives, for example, firemen, nurses, doctors who are not paid fairly as they deal with everyone health, the most precious thing anyone can have, in order to entertain or even appreciate entertainment at all. In the same way there are the police officers who risk their lives for the security of ours and should also be paid correspondingly and are not. Above all, I do not believe that the devaluation of some is the solution for others. There are people who agree that people working in entertainment are paid more than they should be. In my opinion, this is not accurate to underestimate the performance made by this sector as they receive a good salary as a result of their effort, moreover it is not a public sector. As far as jobs in the health department or security are concerned, are not well paid and there should be a raise on their salary to value their daily task. Under these circumstances, it is possible to acknowledge that every profession has its value and it is not about, comparing, it is about supporting and valuing each and every sector of employment.
Nowadays, there is the controversial issue of believing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
such as film stars, pop musicians or sport stars,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in entertainment are overpaid.
Personally
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and in this essay I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reason why, and in addiction to this, I will discuss which other types of jobs I believe are underpaid.

Firstly
, it is relevant to mention that entertainment is an industry that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money,
Possible spelling mistake found.
thereforetherefore
they should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
accordingly
, and most of them are private,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the wage put into it does not belong to the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have nothing to do with the capital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
to actors or musicians or even sport stars as they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
according to the work they do.
For instance
, if a musician produces a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
best selling
album, record it and goes on tour all around the world, the payment they deserve should reflect their merit of creating music to millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, there are industry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
obviously
not valued as they deserve to be, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
for example
, firemen, nurses, doctors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
fairly
as they deal with everyone health, the most precious thing anyone can have, in order to entertain or even appreciate entertainment at all.
In the same way
there are the police officers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for the security of ours and should
also
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
correspondingly
and are not.
Above all
, I do not believe that the devaluation of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
is the solution for others.

There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in entertainment are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more than they should be. In my opinion, this is not accurate to underestimate the performance made by this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
as they receive a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary
as a result
of their effort,
moreover
it is not a public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
. As far as jobs in the health department or security
are concerned
, are not well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
and there should be a raise on their salary to value their daily task.
Under these circumstances
, it is possible to acknowledge that every profession has its value and it is not about, comparing, it is about supporting and valuing each and every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
of employment.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO (S7-Q1): If friends from another country were going to spend time in your country, what city or place would you suggest they visit? Using details and examples, explain why. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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