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Tpo 5 Task 2Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do rather than the things they should. v.1

Tpo 5 Task 2 People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do rather than the things they should. v. 1
Nowadays, some people argue that they are preferring to buy their requirements from online stores. However, some others like to stick to their social conventions and purchase their needs in the ancient way. Online shopping has a lot of positive and negative perspectives which are tend to be discussed in following paragraphs. Firstly, as an individual who has a strong desire to purchase some equipment, using the internet in order to short the pass, might be so meaningful. Online purchasing has plenty of positive aspect, such as saving time, energy and in some occasion’s money. To clarify the point, an example, seems necessary, when someone decided to buy an electronic gadget, ordering them through the internet helps a lot with revealing the device features, sharing others reviews upon that device and somehow lead him or her to find low cost one. However, there are some defects which we have to put them under the magnifying glass. By using online activity such as shopping from the internet we impact on our social relations negatively. Furthermore, By this lineage of shopping people loses their human contact. Many scientists believe that the human as a social entity needs to have a relationship with their own species, face to face. For instance, when you go window shopping to buy some kind of shoe from the shoe store, not only you managed to increase your social capabilities by speaking and contacting with peoples, but also you satisfied your spiritual needs. In conclusion, in my point of view, I strongly believe purchasing online reduces so much time and effort which can be allocated to other beneficial activities.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that they
The verb 'preferring' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are preferring
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their requirements from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
stores.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others like to stick to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
conventions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
their needs in the ancient way.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
perspectives which are
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to
be discussed
in following paragraphs.

Firstly
, as an individual who has a strong desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
equipment, using the internet in order to short the pass, might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
meaningful.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Online
purchasing has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect, such as saving time, energy and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
occasion’s money. To clarify the point, an example, seems necessary, when someone decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an electronic gadget, ordering them through the internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
a lot with revealing the device features, sharing others reviews upon that device and somehow lead him or her to find low cost one.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
defects which we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put them under the magnifying glass. By using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
activity such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
from the internet we impact on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relations
negatively
.
Furthermore
, By this lineage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
loses their human contact.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
scientists believe that the human as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
entity needs to have a relationship with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
species, face to face.
For instance
, when you go window
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of shoe from the shoe store, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
you managed to increase your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
capabilities by speaking and contacting with peoples,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
you satisfied your spiritual needs.

In conclusion
, in my point of view, I
strongly
believe purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much time and effort which can
be allocated
to other beneficial activities.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Tpo 5 Task 2 People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do rather than the things they should. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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