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TPO-47 - Independent Writing TaskDo you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life. v.1

TPO-47 - Independent Writing Task It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life. v. 1
There is no doubt that children over the past few years have enjoyed less reading a book, not only at school but also in their leisure time. This essay explains the causes of the decrease in reading books and what solutions can be done in order to tackle the issue. First of all, since the improvements in technology, there is a wide range of entertainments which especially attract young people to spend on their time than just holding a book in front of them. Indeed, by reading words after words for long hours can be monotonous and without any joy. As a result, young people tend to use an electronic device which they find it more interesting and exciting. For example, the countless Apps you can choose from for any games, give more pleasure as one can play with friends at the same time or chatting with them via Skype. Moreover, since children are at the age where each one wants to be the coolest person at school and not being outdated, they mostly would follow the trends nowadays in the society rather than owning a book and sitting alone at home. As the causes of the decline in reading books are explained above, there are some solutions to overcome this problem. The main necessary step to change is that parents need to limit the time spent on electronic devices such as games on the IPhone. In fact, a lot of young people have a screen in front of them for many hours which can lead to other effects. Another way to encourage the children to read a book than play a game is to reward them with small snacks. This may motivate them to open a book and would be enjoyed by reading it. To sum up, it is not surprising that children are not reading as much as before, considering recent developments in technology as well as in educational systems around the world. It is, however, highly preventable, as long as we adjust children’s environment and continue with to promote reading for pleasure with honesty and enthusiasm.
There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
over the past few years have enjoyed less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
the causes of the decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
and what solutions can
be done
in order to tackle the issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, since the improvements in technology, there is a wide range of entertainments which
especially
attract young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to spend on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
holding a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
in front of them.
Indeed
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
words after words for long hours can be monotonous and without any joy.
As a result
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
an electronic device which they find it more interesting and exciting.
For example
, the countless Apps you can choose from for any games, give more pleasure as one can play with friends at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or chatting with them via Skype.
Moreover
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are at the age where each one wants to be the coolest person at school and not
being outdated
, they
mostly
would follow the trends nowadays in the society
rather
than owning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
and sitting alone at home.

As the causes of the decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
above, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to overcome this problem. The main necessary step to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is that parents need to limit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on electronic devices such as games on the
Possible spelling mistake found.
IPhone
. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have a screen in front of them for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours which can lead to other effects. Another way to encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to read a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
than play a game is to reward them with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
snacks. This may motivate them to open a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
and would
be enjoyed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
it.

To sum up, it is not surprising that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
as much as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, considering recent developments in technology
as well
as in educational systems around the world. It is,
however
,
highly
preventable, as long as we adjust
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
environment and continue with to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
for pleasure with honesty and enthusiasm.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay TPO-47 - Independent Writing Task It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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