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TPO 46The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v.1

TPO 46The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 1
Having attention to other' s beliefs is more important among young persons in compare with older ones, and undeniably fam increases this effect. Although some people assert that all people are affected to this subject equally, but I do not think so. I feel this way for 3 main reasons, which I will explore them in the following essay. To start with, having low level of experiences, the children can not think perfectly. In their world, all people are honest; As a result, they think positively and count on other' s talking. For example, when I was a high school student, I saw an advertisement in TV for a magic cream that was performed by my favorite singer. I thought it was real and would help to my parents became look like that singer, therefore, I asserted to my parent for buying and using that product for appearing younger. Finally, they forced to apply that cream. Not only did they get desired benefits, but they also take a sever allergy. In addition, accepting any ideas mentioned by famous people, threatening younger. They do not have enough wisdom to realize between correct and incorrect opinions. For instance, last year when one of my brother' s favorite athletes suggested about vegan. He started that regime and became sick. So that we forced took him to hospital. Had he attention to his health conditions, He could not have selected that kind of eating in his crucial ages. Lastly, having more effects on teenagers' mined, eminent people can conduct them to a positive or dangerous destiny. I will exemplify my point with a true story about some thing that have happened to a 18 years old daughter. In my country, attending in sport is forbidden for women. Last week, when a famous soccer invited people to take part as spectator in stadium, a daughter preventing from going inside the stadium for watching the tournament, burnt herself and died! It was awesome event. Wanting to reach to her goal, she lost her life. In all, what drives some one supports that celebrities have less influence on older individuals, may fall in to 3 main categories including having more experience, better ability for recognizing situations, and less being effected by others even a famous celebrity. It is advisable that parents and other responsible persons teach their younger for facing with crucial situations mentioned above.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Having
attention to
Possible spelling mistake found.
other&
#039; s beliefs is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
among young persons in compare with older ones, and
undeniably
Possible spelling mistake found.
fam
increases this effect. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assert that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to this subject
equally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. I feel this way for 3 main reasons, which I will explore them in the following essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
low level of experiences, the children can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
perfectly
. In their world, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are honest;
As a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
positively
and count on
Possible spelling mistake found.
other&
#039; s talking.
For example
, when I was a high school student, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
an advertisement in TV for a magic cream that
was performed
by my favorite singer. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
it was real and would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to my parents became look like that singer,
therefore
, I asserted to my parent for buying and using that product for appearing younger.
Finally
, they forced to apply that cream. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
did they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
desired benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
take a sever allergy.

In addition
, accepting any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
mentioned by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, threatening younger. They do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
wisdom to realize between correct and incorrect opinions.
For instance
, last year when one of my
Possible spelling mistake found.
brother&
#039; s favorite athletes suggested about vegan. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
that regime and became sick.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
we forced took him to hospital. Had he attention to his health conditions, He could not have selected that kind of eating in his crucial ages.

Lastly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
more effects on
Possible spelling mistake found.
teenagers&
#039; mined, eminent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can conduct them to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
destiny. I will exemplify my point with a true story about
Did you mean "something"?
some thing
that have happened to
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
daughter. In my country, attending in sport
is forbidden
for women. Last week, when a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
soccer invited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
as spectator in stadium, a daughter preventing from going inside the stadium for watching the tournament, burnt herself and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
! It
Please check whether an article is missing: "was a awesome" or "was an awesome"
was awesome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. Wanting to reach to her goal, she lost her life.

In all, what drives
Did you mean "someone"?
some one
supports that celebrities have less influence on older individuals, may fall in to 3 main categories including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
more experience, better ability for recognizing situations, and less
being effected
by others even a
Consider using "celebrity".
famous celebrity
. It is advisable that parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
responsible persons teach their younger for facing with crucial situations mentioned above.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay TPO 46The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
398 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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