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Tpo 39Using the examples of the mountain goat and bighorn sheep, explain two special features that help animals move around in a mountainous environment. v.1

Tpo 39Using the examples of the mountain goat and bighorn sheep, explain two special features that help animals move around in a mountainous environment. v. 1
The population of the world is increasing day-by-day as a result, the number of people nearing their age of retirement is also increasing. This raises a debate among many citizens on whether people should retire after 60 or they should still keep working till they desire. In my opinion, most people over 60 should retire, and enjoy the rest of their lives peacefully. In this essay I will shed more light on my views regarding the same. The most significant challenge due to rising population is unemployment. This is because, if the aged people still keep working after their retirement age, their jobs would remain occupied for a longer duration of time. As a consequence, a young lad would not get this employment opportunity. For example, one developing country has 40000 new teachers graduating every year and 15000 teachers retire every year. Now if the retiring teachers decide to keep their jobs for a few more years. The result of this would lead to unemployment for new graduating teachers. As the old ones get aged, their health in most cases is going to deteriorate. However, in many industries a lot of jobs are labour based. So if the old ones stick to their jobs after the age of 60, they would not be able to do their jobs as efficiently as they were doing 20-25 years ago. Therefore, in this scenario too, a youngster would definitely be a better choice for jobs that require physical fitness. To conclude, the belief that if people would be allowed to work after their retirement age, it would for sure cause issues. And as I discussed above, working after 60 would result into a lot of problems for the newer generation.
The population of the world is increasing day-by-day
as a result
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nearing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retirement is
also
increasing. This raises a debate among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
citizens on whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should retire after
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
60 or
they should
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
working till they desire. In my opinion, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over 60 should retire, and enjoy the rest of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
peacefully
. In this essay I will shed more light on my views regarding the same.

The most significant challenge due to rising population is unemployment. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, if the aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
working after their retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
would remain occupied for a longer duration of time. As a consequence, a young lad would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
this employment opportunity.
For example
, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
has 40000 new teachers graduating every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
and 15000 teachers retire every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
if the retiring teachers decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for a few more years. The result of this would lead to unemployment for new graduating teachers.

As the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
aged, their health
in most cases
is going to deteriorate.
However
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
industries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
based.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
stick to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60, they would not be able to do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
as
efficiently
as they were doing 20-25 years ago.
Therefore
, in this scenario too, a youngster would definitely be a better choice for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that require physical fitness.

To conclude
, the belief that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work after their retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, it would for sure cause issues. And as I discussed above, working after 60 would result into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
problems for the newer generation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Tpo 39Using the examples of the mountain goat and bighorn sheep, explain two special features that help animals move around in a mountainous environment. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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