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Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v.1

Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v. 1
Nowadays, adventurous sports become a tendency of young people. Some activities are done under the supervision and control, but the others aren`t supervised closely. This essay will discuss the reasons of the trend and then give an opinion about it. It is easy to realize that the extreme activities strongly attracted to the youth. Every year, young people spend a significant time to undertake these activities which happen at various places. There are three main reasons. Firstly, some people’s lives are too peaceful and bored, whereas they desire the opposite lives. Therefore, they try these sports finding excited feelings. Secondly, some people like to be the conquerors. They find to the adventurous activities to challenge themselves and to satisfy their natures. Thirdly, these sports also have abilities to train and to strengthen steel spirit. Through risky adventure, people can boost their spirit day by day. Although, these activities are beneficial, they are still too dangerous to become a good trend for everybody, because there are many other ways to get excited without risking people’s lives. Moreover, these sports need careful preparations, perfect skills, also they are done by professional performers, so they should not be encouraged for most of people who clearly lack basic skills to do. Besides, each individual has different abilities, some people are suitable with thrilling games, but the others are not. They should not compare with their friends and follow as a fad tendency To sum up, extreme activities bring personal satisfaction and benefits, but they are so risky that people make them become a trend without control.
Nowadays, adventurous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
become a tendency of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are done
under the supervision and control,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the others
You used an accent character instead of an apostrophe. Please use either "aren't" or "aren’t".
aren`t
supervised
closely
. This essay will discuss the reasons of the trend and then give an opinion about it.

It is easy to realize that the extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
strongly
attracted to the youth. Every year, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend a significant time to undertake these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which happen at various places. There are three main reasons.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
are too peaceful and bored, whereas they desire the opposite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Therefore
, they try these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
finding excited feelings.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to be the conquerors. They find to the adventurous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to challenge themselves and to satisfy their natures.
Thirdly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
also
have abilities to train and to strengthen steel spirit. Through risky adventure,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can boost their spirit day by day.

Although, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are beneficial, they are
still
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
trend for everybody,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
excited without risking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
need careful preparations, perfect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
also
they
are done
by professional performers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should not
be encouraged
for most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
clearly
lack basic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to do.
Besides
, each individual has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
abilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suitable with thrilling games,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the others are not. They should not compare with their friends and follow as a fad
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
tendency


To sum up, extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
bring personal satisfaction and benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
risky that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them become a trend without control.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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