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TPO 38 - Q6Using points and examples from the lecture, explain two economic changes that occurred in ancient civilizations v.1

TPO 38 - Q6Using points and examples from the lecture, explain two economic changes that occurred in ancient civilizations v. 1
Many have argued that advertisement serves no real purpose as necessity motivates all purchases. I disagree with this completely because ads give consumers a minimum guarantee of quality and also develop wants into needs. First of all, advertising is the most direct way to inform customers of a given product’s quality. The content of the ad is less important than the fact they were able to produce, distribute and, oftentimes, get a celebrity endorsement. For example, KFC typically signs the most famous football players to massive sponsorship deals, thereby evidencing the continued relevance and quality of their food. When a lesser known company premiers an advertisement this is evidence that they are generating enough revenue to validate whatever product they sell or service they provide. Secondly, advertising does not simply meet needs; it creates them. Most people could live more fulfilling lives with fewer products but advertising stimulates desires by appealing to consumer psychology and those initial wants eventually become habitual. A good example of this would be the rise of Apple products in the last two decades and the role of advertising in making them popular. Apple phones and computers are famed not only for their quality but also the sense of being part of a community of users. Stylish ads like the ‘think different’ campaign helped foster their dominance. Now the desire to become part of the Apple community and appear cool has become a basic need for many users hooked into the Apple ecosystem of high-quality consumer electronics. In conclusion, advertising serves an important role in society. This does not mean that it should not be regulated, simply that consumers and officials should be mindful of the full contribution of advertisers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
have argued that advertisement serves no real purpose as necessity motivates all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
. I disagree with this completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
ads give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumers
a minimum guarantee of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
and
also
develop wants into needs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, advertising is the most direct way to inform customers of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
. The content of the ad is less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the fact they were able to produce, distribute and, oftentimes,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a celebrity endorsement.
For example
, KFC
typically
signs the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
football players to massive sponsorship deals, thereby evidencing the continued relevance and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
of their food. When a lesser known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
premiers an advertisement this is evidence that they are generating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
revenue to validate whatever
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
they sell or service they provide.

Secondly
, advertising does not
simply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
needs; it creates them. Most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more fulfilling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
advertising stimulates desires by appealing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumer
psychology and those initial wants
eventually
become habitual. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this would be the rise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in the last two decades and the role of advertising in making them popular.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
phones and computers
are famed
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the sense of being part of a community of users. Stylish ads like the ‘
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
’ campaign
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
foster their dominance.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
the desire to become part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
community and appear cool has become a basic need for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
users hooked into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
ecosystem of high-quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumer
electronics.

In conclusion
, advertising serves an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in society. This does not mean that it should not
be regulated
,
simply
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumers
and officials should be mindful of the full contribution of advertisers.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay TPO 38 - Q6Using points and examples from the lecture, explain two economic changes that occurred in ancient civilizations v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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