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TOEFL essay: Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of student. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

TOEFL essay: Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of student. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
People have different views about which factor affects children the most in their lives. While there are many factors which have significant impacts on their development, I believe that the most important one is their family. On the one hand, children are influenced by a wide range of factors due to the way that they acquire knowledge. It is scientifically proved that youngsters learn primarily by observing and imitating what they witness. This is the reason why everything going on around children such as television, music and friends can bring enormous effects to their development. For example, there is evidence that if a child watches violent TV shows on a regular basis, he or she will be more likely to become a school bully, in comparison with the ones who do not. On the other hand, family performs the most vital role in children’s maturity because of their lack of moral awareness. According to research, although children are able to learn new things rapidly; they, especially the younger ones, normally have a poor sense of right and wrong. As a result, it is essential for them to be oriented by their parents, who are in the closest proximity to them, to become respectable citizens in the future. For instance, in order to help their offspring have a solid academic foundation, which is apparently crucial for their future careers; parents can easily encourage them to spend long time studying both in and after school by giving them suitable rewards. In conclusion, I can understand why children are affected considerably by a variety of factors. However, it seems to me that family is the one having the most powerful influence on their development as a result of the above-mentioned reasons.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the most in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
which have significant impacts on their development, I believe that the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one is their family.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are influenced
by a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
due to the way that they acquire knowledge. It is
scientifically
proved that youngsters learn
primarily
by observing and imitating what they witness. This is the reason why everything going on around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as television, music and friends can bring enormous effects to their development.
For example
, there is evidence that if a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
violent TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
on a regular basis, he or she will be more likely to become a school bully,
in comparison
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who do not.

On the other hand
, family performs the most vital role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
maturity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their lack of moral awareness. According to research, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are able to learn new things
rapidly
; they,
especially
the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
,
normally
have a poor sense of right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
As a result
, it is essential for them to
be oriented
by their parents, who are in the closest proximity to them, to become respectable citizens in the future.
For instance
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their offspring have a solid academic foundation, which is
apparently
crucial for their future careers; parents can
easily
encourage them to spend long time studying both in and after school by giving them suitable rewards.

In conclusion
, I can understand why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
considerably
by a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
.
However
, it seems to me that family is the one having the most powerful influence on their development
as a result
of the above-mentioned reasons.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TOEFL essay: Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of student. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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