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TPO 35- Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.4

TPO 35- Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 4
Everyone has some matter that did not want others know about. There is a proverb in my country, that said ” likewise nuts that need dirt environment to grow, privacy is vital for growing and becoming valuable person”; consequently, privacy has a great importance on quality of one’s life. When it comes to this point, some people wonder whether athletes or entertainment have appropriate privacy in their life. One outstanding viewpoint insists that privacy of them is not in a desirable manner. I corroborate this idea. In what follows, I will delve into two reasons to substantiate my response. First off, in today’s industrial world, recording facilities bloomed, such as wide variety of cameras, video recorders become achievable very easily, which unfortunately some persons use them for getting news that they want without any boundary. To illuminate my point, I would a personal example. I see recently published a photo about one who was the most popular characteristic in Television programs. The photo shows that he is used to addiction drugs, so people was indifferent towards the personal right of him or not, and they said to him you are a bad role model for our children, so you must do not play in Television programs. If others do not published this private issue, he remains a successful person, and he could leave addiction by helping of doctors, however, by doing so the situation and his credit diminished. Second, some people do not pay attention to situation when they see famous people. In fact, day by day, the group of people know them, fifty years ago Television invited, so people who lives in a country as same as holy. In ten years ago, satellites come to our society, the large groups of people see programs of these facilities, and these programs usually invite famous people such as athletes and entertainers. Needless to say that, People like this persons and consider them for a role model, so when they see these persons in life such as in streets or shops, they wants have some memorable time such as taking photos with them. It is not matter for them is it a proper time or place. For instance, when a famous athletes comes to his family for going to shop, or walking in street, or even they have hurry to go, or in summer vacation. Therefore, its huge number of cause by social program become annoy this person.
Everyone has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
matter that did not want others know about. There is a proverb in my country, that said
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
”
likewise
nuts that need dirt environment to grow, privacy is vital for growing and becoming valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person”
;
consequently
, privacy has a great importance on quality of one’s life. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to this point,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wonder whether athletes or entertainment have appropriate privacy in their life. One outstanding viewpoint insists that privacy of them is not
Consider replacing "in a desirable manner" with the adverb for "desirable"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a desirable manner
. I corroborate this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. In what follows, I will delve into two reasons to substantiate my response.

First
off, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s industrial world, recording facilities bloomed, such as wide variety of cameras, video recorders become achievable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
, which unfortunately
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them for getting news that they want without any boundary. To illuminate my point, I would a personal example. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
recently published a photo about one who was the most popular characteristic in Television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
. The photo
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that he is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to addiction drugs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
was indifferent towards the personal right of him or not, and they said to him you are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
role model for our children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do not play in Television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
. If others do not published this private issue, he remains a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, and he could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
addiction by helping of doctors,
however
, by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the situation and his credit diminished.

Second,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not pay attention to situation when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In fact, day by day, the group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know them, fifty years ago Television invited,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean "live"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
lives
in a country as same as holy. In ten years ago, satellites
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to our society, the large groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
of these facilities, and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
usually
invite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
such as athletes and entertainers. Needless to say that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
like
Did you mean "these"?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
and consider them for a role model,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
in life such as in streets or shops, they
Probably a preposition is missing after 'wants'.
wants have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
memorable time such as taking photos with them. It is not matter for them is it a proper time or place.
For instance
, when a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
athletes
You should probably use "come".
comes
to his family for going to shop, or walking in street, or even they have hurry to go, or in summer vacation.
Therefore
, its huge number
Did you mean "of course" (=naturally)?
of cause
by social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
become annoy this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 35- Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 4

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
406 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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