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TPO 35- Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

TPO 35- Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
In this competitive era, salary is the first thing to consider while using a job. I agree to a great extent with this opinion. I believe that other features cannot be ignored. To begin with, it is fact that the, money plays a vital role in every person's life and there are a number of essential needs, which cannot be completed without handsome salary like grocery, utility bills, travel fares and an education expenditures in the inflationary period. In addition, if the good wages are provided to employees, then they will feel that the company appreciates to contribute as well as it shows the social image in front of others and it cannot be ignored that why most of the people give importance to the pay packet. On the other side of the coin, money matters in every individual's life, but better atmosphere also require to do work in a better way. For that cooperative staff and seniors and good working conditions should have at the job places. Besides this, job issues a great chance to develop skills and abilities in a particular profession. For instance, if a doctor is doing job with a handsome salary, but does not enjoy his work because he is not getting experience by different types of patients and experiments with skills which are learnt by professional education. Lastly, good reputation of a company also contributes to build up confidence and career to become a successful person instead of salary while searching a vacancy. To sum up, although money has become our necessity to fulfil our demands, other factors also play more vital roles and have more significance as compared to money.
In this competitive era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
is the
first
thing to consider while using a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to a great extent with this opinion. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
features cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is fact that
Did you forget something after 'the'?
the,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays a vital role in every person's life and there are a number of essential needs, which cannot
be completed
without handsome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
like grocery, utility bills, travel fares and an education expenditures in the inflationary period.
In addition
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
wages
are provided
to employees, then they will feel that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
The verb 'appreciates' is used with the gerund form: "appreciates contributing".
appreciates to contribute
as well
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the social image in front of others and it cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
that why most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
give importance to the pay packet.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side of the coin,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
matters in every individual's life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
better atmosphere
also
require
Did you mean "doing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to do
work in a better way. For that cooperative staff and seniors and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
working conditions should have at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
places.
Besides
this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
issues a great chance to develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities in a particular profession.
For instance
, if a doctor is doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with a handsome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
does not enjoy his work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he is not getting experience by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of patients and experiments with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
by professional education.
Lastly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reputation of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
also
contributes to build up confidence and career to become a successful person
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
while searching a vacancy.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has become our necessity to fulfil our demands,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors
also
play more vital roles and have more significance as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 35- Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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