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TPO 33 - Question 1A friend of yours wants to go to university next year but cannot decide on a major field of study. What advice would you give your friend to help make this decision? v.1

TPO 33 - Question 1A friend of yours wants to go to university next year but cannot decide on a major field of study. What advice would you give your friend to help make this decision? v. 1
In recent days, most of the populace opts to be an entrepreneur instead of being employed in a conglomerate. This is because they want to prove their talent in a creative manner rather than doing a monotonous job. The main demerit of being a businessman is not having the profit or amount throughout the year. To begin with, people not choosing the option to work in a company are to avoid the repetition of their tasks. That is to say that while doing their own business they have the freedom to decide and introduce new technology or ideas to develop their organisation. In addition, it helps them to understand the task from the scratch and aids them to overcome all the obstacles to become a successful person in their career. For example, my friend has started her own boutique business and she was awarded as "Best Enterpreneur" because of her uniqueness in her materials that attracted the customers. This example proves that self-owned work will enhance a person's creative thinking and the way for them to achieve their ambitions. On the other hand, the main drawback in self-employment is that it cannot be assured that we will get the best turnover all over the year. In other words, there might be a chance for the business to go down and because of that people might suffer to lead their basic life. Also, that might make them to buy more loans and be in debt for a long time. For instance, in India, a person who owns their grocery shop cannot expect the sale or profit everyday but they have to maintain the stock to run the business which might indulge them to get the amount from banks and run their stores. Therefore, unlike the employee in a company who get regular salary, people doing their own job will not get the same and that might end up in under-privileged lifestyle. In conclusion, although working in their own shop as a business person will help them to think in a different way to become a successful entrepreneur and succeed in their life and career, it might also cause some disadvantage in their life by not getting enough amount from their work and that cause them to lead a debt life.
In recent days, most of the populace opts to be an entrepreneur
instead
of
being employed
in a conglomerate. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to prove their talent
Consider replacing "in a creative manner" with the adverb for "creative"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a creative manner
rather
than doing a monotonous job. The main demerit of being a businessman is not having the profit or amount throughout the year.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
not choosing the option to work in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
are to avoid the repetition of their tasks.
That is
to say that while doing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
they have the freedom to decide and introduce new technology or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to develop their
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
In addition
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to understand the task from the scratch and aids them to overcome all the obstacles to become a successful person in their career.
For example
, my friend has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
boutique
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
business and
she
was awarded
as
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Best
Possible spelling mistake found.
Enterpreneur
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her uniqueness in her materials that attracted the customers. This example proves that self-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
work will enhance a person's creative thinking and the way for them to achieve their ambitions.

On the other hand
, the main drawback in self-employment is that it cannot
be assured
that we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the best turnover all over the year.
In other words
, there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be a chance for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
to go down and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
suffer to lead their basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Also
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more loans and be in debt for a long time.
For instance
, in India, a person who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
their grocery shop cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
the sale or profit everyday
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
maintain the stock to run the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
indulge them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the amount from banks and run their stores.
Therefore
, unlike the employee in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
regular salary,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
doing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
job will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the same and that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in under-privileged lifestyle.

In conclusion
, although working in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
shop as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
person will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way to become a successful entrepreneur and succeed in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and career, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
also
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantage in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by not getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
amount from their work and that cause them to lead a debt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay TPO 33 - Question 1A friend of yours wants to go to university next year but cannot decide on a major field of study. What advice would you give your friend to help make this decision? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
379 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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