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Tpo 29, to improve the quality of education, universities should spend more money on salaries for university professors. v.1

Tpo 29, to improve the quality of education, universities should spend more money on salaries for university professors. v. 1
With the advent of urbanisation and the rise in popularity of fast food, there have been accompanying issues with rising fatness rates – especially in developed countries like England and the USA. After providing a careful analysis of why bulk has risen so sharply in these countries, I shall suggest a number of ways in which the overweight epidemic can be ameliorated. To begin with, it should be unsurprising that junk meal is incredibly popular in wealthy countries (like England and the USA). Due to higher levels of development in these countries, consumers possess more money and can therefore consume vast amounts of fast food without seriously diminishing their income. For example, the American Dietary Association found that (compared to the average Indian household), the average American household has a six times larger budget for bread per month. Consequently, it is to be expected that obesity rates are much higher in countries with larger amounts of wealth. However, despite the severity of the obesity problem, there are a number of ways in which developed countries could battle it more effectively. Firstly, developed governments could put far more pressure on fast food outlets to provide healthy alternatives to hamburgers, french fries and soft drinks. Secondly, public exercise initiatives could be advertised and promoted far more vigorously. Lastly, modules that inform teenagers about healthy dietary requirements could be taught at schools. In conclusion, although obesity is a serious issue in the developed world, if the above steps are taken, the situation will surely improve in the coming years
With the advent of
Possible spelling mistake. 'urbanisation' is British English.
urbanisation
and the rise in popularity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food, there have been accompanying issues with rising fatness rates
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
especially
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like England and the USA. After providing a careful analysis of why bulk has risen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
sharply
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, I shall suggest a number of ways in which the overweight epidemic can
be ameliorated
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it should be unsurprising that junk meal is
incredibly
popular in wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
(like England and the USA). Due to higher levels of development in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, consumers possess more money and can
therefore
consume vast amounts of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food without
seriously
diminishing their income.
For example
, the American Dietary Association found that (compared to the average Indian household), the average American household has a six times larger budget for bread per month.
Consequently
, it is to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
that obesity rates are much higher in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with larger amounts of wealth.

However
, despite the severity of the obesity problem, there are a number of ways in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
could battle it more
effectively
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
could put far more pressure on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food outlets to provide healthy alternatives to hamburgers, french fries and soft drinks.

Secondly
, public exercise initiatives could
be advertised
and promoted far more
vigorously
.
Lastly
, modules that inform
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
about healthy dietary requirements could
be taught
at schools.

In conclusion
, although obesity is a serious issue in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
world, if the above steps
are taken
, the situation will
surely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
in the coming years
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Tpo 29, to improve the quality of education, universities should spend more money on salaries for university professors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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