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TPO-26 - Independent Writing TaskDo you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents’ jobs than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents’ job. Use specific re v.1

TPO-26 - Independent Writing Task It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents’ jobs than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents’ job. Use specific re v. 1
The problem of obesity, especially in children has increased two-folds in the last ten years. It is becoming a serious concern. This essay will discuss the possible reasons and effects of this increasing trend and solution to resolve this issue in the subsequent paragraphs. To begin with, there are a number of causes of increasing the number of overweight children in western society. Primarily, the over-consumption of fast food or unhealthy diet. Nowadays, it has become a habit of children to eat junk food, such as pizzas, burgers, noodles and many more. These are the products which contain too much oil and calories, which leads to gain extra weight in children. Secondly, an increase in sedentary lifestyle among children because they use more and more technology. For example, mobile phones, computers, video games. Due to the advancement of technology, some children are addicted to these electronics. Therefore, they do not indulge themselves into physical activities and gain more weight. Obesity can lead to increase in health problems in children, such as heart problems, an increase in cholesterol level and so on. For instance, a survey conducted by the World health organisation revealed that the number of children diagnosed with high cholesterol level doubled compared to a decade ago. A solution to tackle this problem of obesity in children is taxed or the cost of fast food or junk food should be increased by the government in order to reduce the sale of rich-calorie food products. In conclusion, this essay has illustrated the possible reasons for increasing in obese children, such as consumption of unhealthy cuisines and an inactive lifestyle, this problem leads to more heart related problems in children. Ultimately, high taxation or the cost of unhealthy eatables may resolve the issue of overweight children
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of obesity,
especially
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has increased two-folds in the last ten years. It is becoming a serious concern. This essay will discuss the possible reasons and effects of this increasing trend and solution to resolve this issue in the subsequent paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are a number of causes of increasing the number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western society.
Primarily
, the over-consumption of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or unhealthy diet. Nowadays, it has become a habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to eat junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, such as pizzas, burgers, noodles and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. These are the products which contain too much oil and calories, which leads to gain extra weight in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Secondly
, an increase in sedentary lifestyle among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
more and more technology.
For example
, mobile phones, computers, video games. Due to the advancement of technology,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to these electronics.
Therefore
, they do not indulge themselves into physical activities and gain more weight.

Obesity can lead to increase in health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, such as heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, an increase in cholesterol level and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
, a survey conducted by the World health
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
revealed that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
diagnosed with high cholesterol level doubled compared to a decade ago.

A solution to tackle this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is taxed
or the cost of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
should
be increased
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the sale of rich-calorie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
products.

In conclusion
, this essay has illustrated the possible reasons for increasing in obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, such as consumption of unhealthy cuisines and an inactive lifestyle, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
leads to more heart related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Ultimately
, high taxation or the cost of unhealthy eatables may resolve the issue of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay TPO-26 - Independent Writing Task It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents’ jobs than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents’ job. Use specific re v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
294 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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