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TPO-21- Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

TPO-21- For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
These days, due to the power of mass media, celebrities reach a whole level of popularity. Such prestige, however, comes at a price of personal privacy. Being in a public attention has its own pressure on a person and l strongly believe that the drawbacks outweigh benefits of being a popular person. On the one hand, being a well-known film star or singer lead person to be attracted and loved by millions of people, at the same time to be monitored 24/7 by fans and mass media. Being a celebrity means loosing your private zone, which restricts their freedom, leaving them within narrow choices. For example, a vast majority of stars dream about ordinary life, shopping or eating out with loved ones without supervision, because they are tired of being controlled by the press. Moreover, celebrities always have to control their actions, words in order to avoid rumours of misleading media, which make them feel insecure and under the stress. They have to worry about rumours which can badly impact on their loved one's status as well. In addition, it is clear to everyone that celebrities are very wealthy, and some black guards are able to steal famous one's children for the sake of great amount of money. Such kind of tightening situation sometimes can lead stars to attempt suicide unconsciously. On the other hand, celebrities are people who are always admired and imitated, which allow them to lead people. For instance, nowadays film stars and singers are making videos, where they are sitting at home and taking photos with masks, which make their followers do the same action and make efforts to overcome the COVID- 19. In conclusion, being a famous, loved and admired is a dream almost for everyone, but before making any attempts people should think about can they make such sacrifices.
These days, due to the power of mass media,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
reach a whole level of popularity. Such prestige,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
at a price of personal privacy. Being in a public attention has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pressure on a person and l
strongly
believe that the drawbacks outweigh benefits of being a popular person.

On the one hand, being a well-known film star or singer lead person to
be attracted
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loved
by millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, at the same time to
be monitored
24/7 by fans and mass media. Being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
means loosing your private zone, which restricts their freedom, leaving them within narrow choices.
For example
, a vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
dream about ordinary life, shopping or eating out with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loved
ones without supervision,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are tired
of
being controlled
by the press.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
control their actions, words in order to avoid
Possible spelling mistake found.
rumours
of misleading media, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them feel insecure and under the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about
Possible spelling mistake found.
rumours
which can
badly
impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loved
one's status
as well
.
In addition
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
to everyone that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
wealthy, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
black guards are able to steal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
one's children for the sake of great amount of money. Such kind of tightening situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
to attempt suicide
unconsciously
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are always admired and imitated, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, nowadays film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
and singers are making videos, where they are sitting at home and taking photos with masks, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their followers do the same action and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
efforts to overcome the
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
COVID
- 19.

In conclusion
, being a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loved
and admired is a dream almost for everyone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making any attempts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about can they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
such sacrifices.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay TPO-21- For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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