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TPO 10- Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

TPO 10- Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
People’s physical strength deteriorates with aging. Therefore, one school of thought avers that, it not wises to fix the retirement age of all the professionals, since different fields require different energy level. I concur with the statement and, in following paragraphs I will discuss the arguments in detail with examples. In certain occupations, employees have to put their lives in danger to complete the tasks. These jobs can execute successfully only when workers are strong both physically and mentally, however after forties people not only become weaker, but also would have ample minor diseases which could disrupt them to perform their duties. If these employees still continue their job, it would be risky for them and companies. To illustrate, due to a dearth of energy they would work gradually which affect the productivity and profit or maybe lost their lives while performing hazard mission. Therefore, these workers should be retired after forties and, state must bestow them pension so that they do not face any financial obstacles. There are certain types of jobs where people deserve to retire early. One of them is a mini, where people have to work in mines which are more than 200 feet below the ground with extreme temperature and limited oxygen. Another occupation is service in the armed forces, where soldiers must have robust strength, mental power and deadly. This is because many times they have to deal with extremely hazardous conditions such as combat with enemies without having food or water for a week. Therefore, these workers should be retired earlier than other professionals such as bankers. On the whole, fixing retirement age for all occupations would cause problems for employees and employers. Therefore, it should be flexible for certain occupations with all benefits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
physical strength deteriorates with aging.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, one school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
avers that, it not wises to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
the retirement age of all the professionals, since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
energy level. I concur with the statement and, in following paragraphs I will discuss the arguments in detail with examples.

In certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupations
, employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to complete the tasks. These jobs can execute
successfully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when workers are strong both
physically
and mentally,
however
after forties
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
become weaker,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
would have ample minor diseases which could disrupt them to perform their duties. If these employees
still
continue their job, it would be risky for them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. To illustrate, due to a dearth of energy they would work
gradually
which affect the productivity and profit or maybe lost their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
while performing hazard mission.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, these workers should
be retired
after forties and, state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
bestow them pension
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not face any financial obstacles.

There are certain types of jobs where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deserve to retire early. One of them is a mini, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work in mines which are more than
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
200 feet
below the ground with extreme temperature and limited oxygen. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupation
is service in the armed forces, where soldiers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have robust strength, mental power and deadly. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with
extremely
hazardous conditions such as combat with enemies without having food or water for a week.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, these workers should
be retired
earlier than other professionals such as bankers.

On the whole
, fixing retirement age for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupations
would cause problems for employees and employers.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, it should be flexible for certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupations
with all benefits.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay TPO 10- Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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