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As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree v.7

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. v. 7
There is no doubt that businesses have always sought to make a profit. However, some people argue that they should also contribute toward the societies. I completely agree with the idea that businesses should do more for society than simply make money. To begin with, companies should continue to do their best to make a profit in order to survive in a competitive world. This is because that it seems logical that the priority of any company should be to pay their running costs efficiently. For instance, the companies should able to pay their employees' wages without any fail and payments for building and utilities. In addition to this, They also need to invest in improvements and innovations if they wish to remain successful. In contrast, if they are not able to pay their bills, then the concerns about social responsibilities become irrelevant. In other words, a company can make a positive contribution in society only if it is in a good financial health. Nevertheless, besides making money, companies are more likely to play a vital role in building any society, developed and economically successful. To illustrate this point, a company's boss has to treat their employees well like by giving ' living wages' to improve their quality of life, rather than exploiting them. Moreover, owners could also share a proportion of their profits to local charities, environmental projects, and education initiatives. Finally, instead of trying to minimize their tax payments by using accounting loopholes, the company bosses should happy to contribute to society through the tax system. In conclusion, although enterprises need to make money in order to run their businesses successfully, I believe that they can also give the same importance to social responsibilities as they do on financial objectives.
There is no doubt that businesses have always sought to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a profit.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that they should
also
contribute toward the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that businesses should do more for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
than
simply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
money.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should continue to do their best to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a profit in order to survive in a competitive world. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that it seems logical that the priority of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
should be to pay their running costs
efficiently
.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
Did you mean "should be able"?
should able
to pay their employees' wages without any fail and payments for building and utilities.
In addition
to this, They
also
need to invest in improvements and innovations if they wish to remain successful.
In contrast
, if they are not able to pay their bills, then the concerns about social responsibilities become irrelevant.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
other words, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
contribution in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if it is in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
financial health.

Nevertheless
,
besides
making money,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are more likely to play a vital role in building any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, developed and
economically
successful. To illustrate this point, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's boss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
treat their employees well like by giving
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
'
living wages' to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their quality of life,
rather
than exploiting them.
Moreover
, owners could
also
share a proportion of their profits to local charities, environmental projects, and education initiatives.
Finally
,
instead
of trying to minimize their tax payments by using accounting loopholes, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
bosses should happy to contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
through the tax system.

In conclusion
, although enterprises need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
money in order to run their businesses
successfully
, I believe that they can
also
give the same importance to social responsibilities as they do on financial objectives.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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