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TPO 12 - It is better to have broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. v.1

TPO 12 - It is better to have broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. v. 1
Even though many countries have shown a significant growth in the socioeconomic status in recent years, people are becoming unhealthy and less fit in some countries due to the prevalence of sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy diet. This essay will discuss the causes of this phenomenon and provide some possible solutions to this issue. One of the significant reasons for this trend relates to the sedentary lifestyle. Owing to the advancement in the transportation system, people have become more reliant on cars and trains, for example. While this development is much appreciated, it resulted in physical inactivity. People used to do more steps in the past and engaged in exercises and outdoor activities, which are the key to one's health. In addition, unhealthy diet, such as fast food and pre-cooked meals, which are usually high in sugar and sodium is considered to be another contributing factor. As most of take-away foods are cheap and tasty, people choose this option. For these reasons, people are becoming obese and the average health of the population is declining. Unless some measurements are implemented, the situation will worsen. One idea to tackle this issue is the promotion of exercise and balanced diet through education. The government should alarm people of the negative consequences of being obese and unfit by providing information regarding associated diseases such as cardiovascular diseases, type 2 diabetes and cancers as they are preventable. Moreover, the government should make healthy food available at a cheaper price as they are usually expensive, and some people cannot afford them. Thus, there are some ways of solving this issue if the government takes it more seriously. In conclusion, people's health is declining because of the sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy food choices they make in every day. Some measurements should be taken at a government level, otherwise the situation will get worse.
Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries have shown a significant growth in the socioeconomic status in recent years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
and less fit in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries due to the prevalence of sedentary lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
diet. This essay will discuss the causes of this phenomenon and provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions to this issue.

One of the significant reasons for this trend relates to the sedentary lifestyle. Owing to the advancement in the transportation system,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become more reliant on cars and trains,
for example
. While this development is much appreciated, it resulted in physical inactivity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do more steps in the past and engaged in exercises and outdoor activities, which are the key to one's health.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
diet, such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-cooked
meals, which are
usually
high in sugar and sodium
is considered
to be another contributing factor. As most of take-away
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and tasty,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose this option. For these reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming obese and the average health of the population is declining.

Unless
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measurements
are implemented
, the situation will worsen. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to tackle this issue is the promotion of exercise and balanced diet through education. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should alarm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences of being obese and unfit by providing information regarding associated diseases such as cardiovascular diseases, type 2 diabetes and cancers as they are preventable.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
available at a cheaper price as they are
usually
expensive, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot afford them.
Thus
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways of solving this issue if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
takes it more
seriously
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health is declining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the sedentary lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
choices they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
in every day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
measurements should
be taken
at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
level,
otherwise
the situation will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay TPO 12 - It is better to have broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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