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Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 8: Agree or disagree? Television advertising directed towards young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed v.2

Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 8: Agree or disagree? Television advertising directed towards young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed v. 2
Nowadays, companies and corporations advertise their products throughout target marketing method. This often brings up a controversial question: Is it reasonable to aim at young children under age 5 as a target market? In this regard, some people are inclined toward the opinion that advertisers are not allowed to direct their commercials toward very young children whereas others hold exactly the opposite perspective. I firmly concur with the argument and reject the idea of TV advertising directed toward young children due to children’s vulnerability and immaturity along with the impact of advertising on the company’s benefit. One of the important reasons that immediately comes to mind is that children at the age of under five are not mature enough to choose the best product considering the quality and the other factors needed to buy a product. In addition, they are susceptible to use goods that may be harmful for them. For example, when my niece was 4 years old, she watched TV commercials a lot and when she went shopping by her father, she always made her father to buy some junk food that she had seen on TV and they were not good for her health. Thus, TV commercials targeted toward young children are irrational. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, immature children cannot distinguish useful products and this affects children' s behavior and brings about consumerism in children. In fact, as the personality of young children is not created yet, every little event can affect his mentality and behavior. That is to say, extreme consumption will pose serious problems for children. Hence, considering social, personal, psychological and economical effects of consumerism and the vulnerability of children, television advertisements should be aimed at older people rather than young children. Another equally important reason is that children younger than 5 years old cannot buy products without their parents’ permission. Hence, advertisements aiming at young children do not benefit companies. In addition, it makes extra expenses for the company and abates the amount of profit. In contrast, advertising to an older aged target market - parents of the children - and convincing them to buy the product is more profitable and lucrative. Therefore, a suitable target market for the company is not young children. Decisively, if one considers the vulnerability, immaturity and incapability of the children to buy products, one soon realizes that targeting toward young children is not a reasonable plan for companies and for societies. In fact, TV commercials directed to young children is harmful for everyone and the governments should limit the range of the ages that advertisements are broadcast for them.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and corporations advertise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
throughout
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
marketing method. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
brings up a controversial question: Is it reasonable to aim at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under age 5 as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
market? In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are inclined
toward the opinion that advertisers are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to direct their commercials toward
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whereas others hold exactly the opposite perspective. I
firmly
concur with the argument and reject the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of TV advertising directed toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
vulnerability and immaturity along with the impact of advertising on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
benefit.

One of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons that immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at the age of under five are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to choose the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
considering the quality and the other factors needed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
In addition
, they are susceptible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
that may be harmful for them.
For example
, when my niece was 4 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
TV commercials a lot and when she went shopping by her father, she always made her father to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
junk food that she had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
TV and
they were not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for her health.
Thus
, TV commercials targeted toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are irrational.

As mentioned in the previous paragraph, immature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot distinguish useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and this affects
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s behavior and brings about consumerism in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In fact, as the personality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is not created
yet
, every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
can affect his mentality and behavior.
That is
to say, extreme consumption will pose serious problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Hence
, considering social, personal, psychological and economical effects of consumerism and the vulnerability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, television advertisements should
be aimed
at older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children.

Another
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
younger than 5 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
without their parents’ permission.
Hence
, advertisements aiming at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
In addition
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
extra expenses for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and abates the amount of profit.
In contrast
, advertising to an older aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
market
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
parents of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
and convincing them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
is more profitable and lucrative.
Therefore
, a suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
market for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children.

Decisively
, if one considers the vulnerability, immaturity and incapability of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realizes that targeting toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is not a reasonable plan for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and for societies. In fact, TV commercials directed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is harmful for everyone and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should limit the range of the ages that advertisements are broadcast for them.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
50Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 8: Agree or disagree? Television advertising directed towards young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
434 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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