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Topic: International travel can make people prejudiced rather than broad minded. Why people fail to benefit when they travel? What we can do to improve their understanding of the countries they visit? It is true that foreign travellers nowadays have a bias v.1

Topic: International travel can make people prejudiced rather than broad minded. Why people fail to benefit when they travel? What we can do to improve their understanding of the countries they visit? It is true that foreign travellers nowadays have a bias v. 1
It is clear the picture of what a family looks like has transformed over the past few decades and families are now generally more fragmented. Some would say that couples parting ways is understandable as they are just not meant to be together, however others feel this could adversely affect a strong family bond. Indeed, we should not only consider one country when looking at the family dynamic. In some cases a couple may not have a choice as to exactly how many children they wish to have. For example, in times of overpopulation in China, the government has stipulated that parents must only produce one child. Furthermore, in western society, many social issues possibly stemming from inadequate education, poverty and drug and/or alcohol abuse, have resulted in the breakdown of the family unit. Therefore, today, single parents must fend for themselves to look after loved ones, without the moral or financial support from a partner who may have no involvement or simply does not care. The question arises as to whether a different outlook for families poses threats or benefits. It is likely that Chinese people feel aggrieved when they cannot plan their family just how they want it. Nevertheless, from their government’s standpoint it is clear that balancing the economy is a chief concern to ensure there is not an undersupply of jobs. Also, while single parents may find looking after their children a challenge, it could be argued that it will make them stronger and more independent. Consequently, these traits might brush off on their offspring. In summary, it is clear that broken families are likely due to various (mostly) uncontrollable governmental and social factors. That said, I personally believe that a weakened family unit could lead to wider issues to the detriment of society.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
the picture of what a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
looks like has transformed over the past few decades and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
generally
more fragmented.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would say that couples parting ways is understandable as they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
not meant to be together,
however
others feel this could
adversely
affect a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bond.

Indeed
, we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
consider one country when looking at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
dynamic. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases a couple may not have a choice as to exactly how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children they wish to have.
For example
, in times of overpopulation in China, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has stipulated that parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
produce one child.
Furthermore
, in western society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social issues
possibly
stemming from inadequate education, poverty and drug and/or alcohol abuse, have resulted in the breakdown of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
unit.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, single parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
fend for themselves to look after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones, without the moral or financial support from a partner who may have no involvement or
simply
does not care.

The question arises
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
outlook for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
poses threats or benefits. It is likely that Chinese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel aggrieved when they cannot plan their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
how they want it.
Nevertheless
, from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s standpoint it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that balancing the economy is a chief concern to ensure there is not an
undersupply
of jobs.
Also
, while single parents may find looking after their children a challenge, it could
be argued
that it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them stronger and more independent.
Consequently
, these traits might brush off on their offspring.

In summary, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that broken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are likely due to various (
mostly
) uncontrollable governmental and social factors. That said, I
personally
believe that a weakened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
unit could lead to wider issues to the detriment of society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: International travel can make people prejudiced rather than broad minded. Why people fail to benefit when they travel? What we can do to improve their understanding of the countries they visit? It is true that foreign travellers nowadays have a bias v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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