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Topic: Employers should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to make employees better at their jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Topic: Employers should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to make employees better at their jobs. v. 2
It is believed that employees should be offered a holiday in 4 weeks each year which help improve their performance at work. Personally, I agree with this statement due to their previous progress for their organisations and the opportunity for people to cooperate with each other. Firstly, a long-term holiday is essential for every person to relieve his/her work overload. Because they have been working very hard during a year, so they deserve having a break. If the directors just force their staffs to labour in a long time, the staffs have to suffer from stress and this may discredit their working quality as well. Take an example in some organisations in Vietnam, many employers have put too much pressure on their workers and long-term holidays are not allowed in their company. Consequently, most of the members went on strike for several weeks, leading to a downturn in the business’s income. Obviously, holidays definitely reduce the employees’ strain and guarantees the run of the whole business. Secondly, long-lasting vacations are also ideal occasions for members of the workforce to improve their relationships and learn from each other. For instance, many large businesses, these days, usually organize many long-term trips as a gift for the dedication of the people in the company. Thanks to these vacations, individuals can get to know about each other and share their working experiences so that they can together come up with many good ideas for strategies of the company. As a result, the development of organisations become more sustainable. Plainly, managers should give their personnel enduring holidays every year. In conclusion, long-lasting breaks are necessary for members of the organisation owing to the relaxation for individuals and their collaboration.
It
is believed
that employees should
be offered
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
in 4 weeks each year which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performance at work.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement due to their previous progress for their
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
and the opportunity for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to cooperate with each other.

Firstly
, a long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
is essential for every person to relieve his/her work overload.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they have been working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
during a year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they deserve having a break. If the directors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
force their staffs to
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
in a long time, the staffs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and this may discredit their working quality
as well
. Take an example in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
in Vietnam,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employers have put too much pressure on their workers and long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Consequently
, most of the members went on strike for several weeks, leading to a downturn in the business’s income.
Obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the employees’ strain and guarantees the run of the whole business.

Secondly
, long-lasting vacations are
also
ideal occasions for members of the workforce to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their relationships and learn from each other.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
large businesses, these days,
usually
organize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
long-term trips as a gift for the dedication of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Thanks to these vacations, individuals can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about each other and share their working experiences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can together
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
for strategies of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
As a result
, the development of
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
become more sustainable.
Plainly
, managers should give their personnel enduring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
every year.

In conclusion
, long-lasting breaks are necessary for members of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
owing to the relaxation for individuals and their collaboration.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Topic: Employers should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to make employees better at their jobs. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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