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A 4-week holiday a year can make employees do better at their jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

A 4-week holiday a year can make employees do better at their jobs. v. 1
In this day and age, citizens in towns have a propensity to live alone or in a nuclear family instead of in an extended family. From my perspective, I believe it brings many advantages. First of all, living alone will force youngsters, particularly men, to learn do housework including washing clothes or cleaning their rooms. It helps them to cultivate their independence. Secondly, should youths live alone, they will have private spaces without disturbing to others like their parents or their siblings. Therefore, they can put emphasis on either their work or study. For example, I live alone in Hanoi, I often wake up at 4AM to exercise and cooking for breakfast after that. I made a noise which effect on my parents when I lived with them four years ago. Thirdly, when people live in a nuclear family, they can build up their offspring better. In a view of the fact that they do not need to take care of elderly people; furthermore, in this way, they can save an amount of money and have time to relax after work. For example, when senior people get sick their offspring have to take care of them and do some work including helping them to eat. Finally, it is undeniable that there is little controversy between members of a family. If people live in an extended family, for instance, it can cause controversy, between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, which often occur in almost all extended families. The process continues with it being produced by hands In conclusion, owing the aforementioned ideas, I consider that it exerts positive impacts on people, should they live alone or in a nuclear family.
In this day and age, citizens in towns have a propensity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
or in a nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
instead
of in an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. From my perspective, I believe it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
will force youngsters,
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, to learn
This verb is used with the infinitive: "to do"
do
housework including washing clothes or cleaning their rooms. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to cultivate their independence.
Secondly
, should youths
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
, they will have private spaces without disturbing to others like their parents or their siblings.
Therefore
, they can put emphasis on either their work or study.
For example
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
in Hanoi, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
wake up at 4AM to exercise and cooking for breakfast after that. I made a noise which effect on my parents when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
with them four years ago.

Thirdly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, they can build up their offspring better. In a view of the fact that they do not need to take care of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
;
furthermore
, in this way, they can save an amount of money and have time to relax after work.
For example
, when senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick their offspring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of them and do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
work including helping them to eat.
Finally
, it is undeniable that there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
controversy between members of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
for instance
, it can cause controversy, between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
occur in almost all extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. The process continues with it
being produced
by
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
hands


In conclusion
, owing the aforementioned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, I consider that it exerts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, should they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
or in a nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay A 4-week holiday a year can make employees do better at their jobs. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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