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Topic: as well as making money, business also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree v.2

Topic: as well as making money, business also have social responsibilities. v. 2
It is no doubt true that profit-oriented organizations should also have social obligations besides generating revenues. Although cash flow plays a crucial role in business operations, social issues are also equally important. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why enterprises attempt to maximize profits. Firstly, if companies raise more money, prosperous and developed firms also create more jobs for the locality, which leads to the reduction of the jobless rate. For example, as an international corporation such as Coca Cola tends to scale up over the world, which reduces problems relevant to unemployment and poverty. Secondly, when the annual growth of businesses, they can meet the demand of paying taxes for the government. This makes the government can allocate these revenues for building infrastructure as well as providing instant subsidization to needy people. On the other hand, there are some crucial factors why businesses should accept that they have responsibilities for society. In terms of environmental effects, many industrial activities are believed to cause adverse impacts on the environment, typically is the disposal of industrial wastes, giving rise to sea level recently. For instance, instead of releasing chemical wastes to rivers, they could establish the drainage system result in mitigating water pollution. Another reason is that corporations, even though they are either big or small, should conduct charitable activities and sponsor scholarship in order to enhance the well-being of citizens. In this case, they not only improve the living standard of the impoverished but also enhance their public images; it is such a win-win partnership. In conclusion, for the reasons I have mentioned above, I hold my initial view that companies should maintain their business activities and social responsibilities at the same time.
It is no doubt true that profit-oriented organizations should
also
have social obligations
besides
generating revenues. Although cash flow plays a crucial role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
operations, social issues are
also
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why enterprises attempt to maximize profits.
Firstly
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
raise more money, prosperous and developed firms
also
create more jobs for the locality, which leads to the reduction of the jobless rate.
For example
, as an international corporation such as Coca Cola tends to scale up over the world, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
problems relevant to unemployment and poverty.
Secondly
, when the annual growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the demand of paying taxes for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can allocate these revenues for building infrastructure
as well
as providing instant subsidization to needy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crucial factors why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
should accept that they have responsibilities for society. In terms of environmental effects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
industrial activities
are believed
to cause adverse impacts on the environment,
typically
is the disposal of industrial wastes, giving rise to sea level recently.
For instance
,
instead
of releasing chemical wastes to rivers, they could establish the drainage system result in mitigating water pollution. Another reason is that corporations,
even though
they are either
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
, should conduct charitable activities and sponsor scholarship in order to enhance the well-being of citizens.
In this case
, they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the living standard of the impoverished
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
enhance their public images; it is such a win-win partnership.

In conclusion
, for the reasons I have mentioned above, I hold my initial view that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should maintain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
activities and social responsibilities at the same time.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: as well as making money, business also have social responsibilities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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