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TOEFL essay: A company is going to give some money either to support the arts or to protect the environment. Which do you think the company should choose? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

TOEFL essay: A company is going to give some money either to support the arts or to protect the environment. Which do you think the company should choose? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
It is true that some students choose to live with their parents while studying at university. I partly agree with such a choice, although there are some disadvantages. There are a number of reasons why young people should live with their parents when they are pursuing their studies. Firstly, it is expensive to study full-time, and most students in the UK, for example, are forced to take out a student loan. In the worst case, some students have to work their way through university, and their performance inevitably suffers. Living at home means that they do not have to pay for accommodation, and they are able to economize. Secondly, less mature students need the discipline imposed by parents, to ensure that they attend their classes and do not fall behind with their studies. Although these benefits are considerable, it must also be admitted that there are some advantages to studying away from home. Perhaps the main one is that students are able to escape the distractions of family life, and thereby establish study routines and form friendships with other students who find themselves in the same situation. Learning to live, as well as to think, independently is one of the formative experiences of a university education. Another aspect is that students who live away from home tend to become more involved in the huge range of extra-curricular activities which social life at university offers. These help to develop interests and talents, such as sports, music or drama. In conclusion, I would agree in part that students should live with their parents while studying, though they will miss out on some of the richness of university life as a result.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
while studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with such a choice, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages.

There are a number of reasons why young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
when they are pursuing their studies.
Firstly
, it is expensive to study full-time, and most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the UK,
for example
,
are forced
to take out a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
loan. In the worst case,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work their way through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, and their performance
inevitably
suffers. Living at home means that they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for accommodation, and they are able to economize.
Secondly
, less mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need the discipline imposed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, to ensure that they attend their classes and do not fall behind with their studies.

Although these benefits are considerable, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
be admitted
that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages to studying away from home. Perhaps the main one is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are able to escape the distractions of family life, and thereby establish study routines and form friendships with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who find themselves in the same situation. Learning to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
,
as well
as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
independently
is one of the formative experiences of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education. Another aspect is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
away from home tend to become more involved in the huge range of extra-curricular activities which social life at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
offers. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop interests and talents, such as sports, music or drama.

In conclusion
, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
in part that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
while studying, though they will miss out on
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
richness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
life
as a result
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay TOEFL essay: A company is going to give some money either to support the arts or to protect the environment. Which do you think the company should choose? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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