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Today’s children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

Today’s children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past. with this opinion? v. 2
In this 21st century, people are enjoying more comfortable life with better facilities, increased life expectancy and with more possibilities than ever before. Living standard has improved dramatically and the technological advancement has made our life easier. Despite these advancements and achievements, many people feel that their offspring are living under an immense pressure from the society and I quite agree with this viewpoint. First of all, the competition children have to face in the school, home and even in a playground is far more than the past centuries. The society appreciates only the best performers and being the top scorer is quite a challenging job. The parents want their children to excel in every field and thus the childhood is far different these days than our forefathers used to have. Renowned and good schools have a limited number of seats and the competition for those seats is overwhelming. Parents want their children to excel in other areas besides their academic performance including music, sports, art and in other fields. They are often found to be forced to get involved in activities that they have little interest in. Thus the children in the present era live under constant pressure, fear and competition. The pressures are many folded- from parents, siblings, classmates, society and so on. As a consequence, they do not have a magical and carefree childhood our past generations enjoyed. Obviously, due to overpopulation and scarcity of land, people are forced to move to an apartment rather than a traditional home. These apartments force children to have limited activities at home which include watching television and using the internet. In addition, these apartments have some regulations such as not to make noise or play and that is why children cannot enjoy their life freely. Moreover, in this modern world, many parents have adopted some western cultures and children are forced to learn or do some skills even if they dislike it. For instance, some parents force their children to learn the musical instruments to show their status in the society. Furthermore, nowadays the modern society is keener in observing what others are doing. Children are the one suffer a lot from this attitude and they are more vigilant in their action to protect their parents’ status. Finally, the loose family bonding and parents’ priority for their careers often creates an invisible pressure to the children that has many negative psychological effects. The number of single mom and single dad is a proof that our family bonding in deteriorating in this modern era. Parents’ actions affect their offspring severely and any social and family degradation will have serious negative consequences on children. To conclude, society is dynamic and compared to the bygone years, today’ children have more toys, electronic gadgets, the opportunity to learn and express their views but that does not make their childhood more enjoyable. The type of pressure they face is quite overwhelming and that has many adverse effects on their growth as well.
In this 21st century,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are enjoying more comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with better facilities, increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy and with more possibilities than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Living standard has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
dramatically
and the technological advancement has made our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
easier. Despite these advancements and achievements,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that their offspring are living under an immense
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and I quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the competition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face in the school, home and even in a playground is far more than the past centuries. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
appreciates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the best performers and being the top scorer is quite a challenging job. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to excel in every field and
thus
the childhood is far
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
these days than our forefathers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have. Renowned and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
schools have a limited number of seats and the competition for those seats is overwhelming.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to excel in other areas
besides
their academic performance including music, sports, art and in other fields. They are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
found to
be forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in activities that they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
interest in.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the present era
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
under constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
, fear and competition. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
folded- from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, siblings, classmates,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. As a consequence, they do not have a magical and carefree childhood our past generations enjoyed.

Obviously
, due to overpopulation and scarcity of land,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to an apartment
rather
than a traditional home. These apartments force
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have limited activities at home which include watching television and using the internet.
In addition
, these apartments have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regulations such as not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
noise or play and
that is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
freely
.
Moreover
, in this modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have adopted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
western cultures and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are forced
to learn or do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
even if they dislike it.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
force their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn the musical instruments to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their status in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Furthermore
, nowadays the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is keener in observing what others are doing.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are the one suffer a lot from this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
attitude and
they are more vigilant in their action to protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
status.

Finally
, the loose family bonding and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
priority for their careers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
creates an invisible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
psychological effects. The number of single mom and single dad is a proof that our family bonding
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in deteriorating in
this modern era.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents’
actions affect their offspring
severely
and any social and family degradation will have serious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences on children.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is dynamic and compared to the bygone years,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more toys, electronic gadgets, the opportunity to learn and express their views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their childhood more enjoyable. The type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
they face is quite overwhelming and that has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adverse effects on their growth
as well
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Today’s children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
497 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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