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Today you can see increasing number of vehicles on road. Why is it so? is it constructive or destructive? v.1

Today you can see increasing number of vehicles on road. Why is it so? is it constructive or destructive? v. 1
Nowadays, some people believe that the teenager years become the happiest years in all their life and some people think that the adults are happier than the teenager despite of more responsibilities. In this essay, correcting which idea will be discussed. At first, young people said that the happiness is brought by achievement the their target. According to this information, researches show that they can easily happy because of catching up with their opponents when they discover and improve own different talents. For example, children study hard continuously until the university exam in order to pass it. They would feel glad when they were accepted to the university. Although the adult life has a greater responsibilities, these responsibilities are the cause of the greatest happiness. Getting a promotion in business would be increased self-esteem and it allows you to get a prestige in your business life. In this manner, the people have a different feeling and cheerfulness. Also to put it another way, you would have more responsibility in business, but you would be feeling much better. For example, being a manager while working as a worker will change your status. To sum up, people would be happy in different ways in different life stages. Young people are able to happy with less responsibility while the adults feel much better with more duty. I think the adult life is the happiest times in all people life thoungh the elderly person has a lot of obligations. The greatest achievements bring the greatest happiness.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
years become the happiest years in all their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are happier than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
. In this essay, correcting which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
will
be discussed
.

At
first
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
said that the happiness
is brought
by achievement
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their target" or "the target"?
the their target
. According to this information, researches
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that they can
easily
happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of catching up with their opponents when they discover and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
talents.
For example
, children study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
continuously
until the university exam in order to pass it. They would feel glad when they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
to the university.

Although the adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
has a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
are the cause of the greatest happiness. Getting a promotion in business would
be increased
self-esteem and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a prestige in your business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In this manner, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
feeling and cheerfulness.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
to put it another way, you would have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
in business,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you would be feeling much better.
For example
, being a manager while working as a worker will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
your status.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be happy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
ways in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
stages. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to happy with less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
feel much better with more duty. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is the happiest times in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
Possible spelling mistake found.
thoungh
the elderly person has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
obligations. The greatest achievements bring the greatest happiness.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Today you can see increasing number of vehicles on road. Why is it so? is it constructive or destructive? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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