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Today the internet and TV have created chance for ordinary people to become famous. Is it a positive or negative development? v.3

Today the internet and TV have created chance for ordinary people to become famous. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 3
It is true that some opportunities have been given by the development of internet and television having turned some ordinary people to popular. It seems to me that this is a positive trend, and I will explain my arguments more below. It is widely known that the internet is a media in which people could express their feelings freely which would be beneficial for some introvert people often avoiding having face-to-face communication with others. The example could be seen at Pew Die Pie who has the highest number of YouTube subscribers throughout the world. Before being a content creator on the digital entertainment website, he was an introvert person who always got bullied by his classmates at school. Only after he uploaded several gaming contents on YouTube, now he could earn $1 billion monthly revenue. Moreover, this trend also could cut down the unemployment rate in a state, inasmuch as it has enlarged numerous opportunities of job vacancy. Numerous unemployed people now are seeking chances to become an influencer and celebrity by making some YouTube videos and attending several film castings held by TV programme industries. Not only does it provide an enormous amount of salary but also it is easy for less-skilled people to make some unique videos on YouTube as long as they understand how to access the internet. In conclusion, I would argue that the development of the internet and television has given significant positive effects on both people and a country. It could help some people who tend to avoid express their feeling directly to others to become highly expressive people on YouTube as well as television and reduce the rate of employment in a country.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opportunities have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the development of internet and television having turned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to popular. It seems to me that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend, and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my arguments more below.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
It
is
widely
known that the internet is a media in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could express their feelings
freely
which would be beneficial for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
introvert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
avoiding having face-to-face communication with others. The example could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
at Pew
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Die
Pie who has the highest number of YouTube subscribers throughout the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
being a content creator on the digital entertainment website, he was an introvert person who always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
bullied by his classmates at school.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
after he uploaded several gaming contents on YouTube,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he could earn $1 billion monthly revenue.
Moreover
, this trend
also
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down the unemployment rate in a state, inasmuch as it has enlarged numerous opportunities of job vacancy. Numerous unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
are seeking chances to become an influencer and celebrity by making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
YouTube videos and attending several film castings held by TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
industries. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it provide an enormous amount of salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it is easy for less-skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unique videos on YouTube as long as they understand how to access the internet.

In conclusion
, I would argue that the development of the internet and television has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
significant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and a country. It could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who tend to avoid express their feeling
directly
to others to become
highly
expressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on YouTube
as well
as television and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the rate of employment in a country.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Today the internet and TV have created chance for ordinary people to become famous. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
280 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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