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People today spend too much tie on personal enjoyment--doing things they like to do--rather than doing things they should do. v.2

People today spend too much tie on personal enjoyment--doing things they like to do--rather than doing things they should do. v. 2
Nowadays, the advanced and sophisticated technologies have become part of almost all people’s lives all over the world. Most people become more addicted to these technologies, enjoy the personal activities, yet forget the essential activities and things that they should do. Thus, I agree to the extent that in this era, people spend much time in doing things less important than doing things beneficial to themselves. To begin with, reasonable people will agree that although today’s technology really makes our life easier, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to spend too much time to do something insignificant, or even worthless. Personally, I believe that most people get addicted with the current technologies and spend all day long for playing games, using social media, updating photos, and so on and so forth. Take, for example, that many students do these insignificant activities relentlessly and ignore their obligations to study and do the assignments. In addition, another salient fact on why I agree with the prompt is that the fact showing that most students were cramming prior to final test because they chose to spend their time for worthless activities in corresponding to studying. For instance, they also procrastinated their assignments and collected them to the lecturers or teachers without full responsibility and passion. Much worse, even though they know that they have educational responsibility, they choose to meet with friends in a café. Not only students do, but also other professions such as businessman, engineers, and other people also often use their time unwisely such as watching movies in a cinema too much and using social media such as instagram and facebook while they have urgent jobs to do as soon as possible. Since most people spend too much time on personal activities, they become more inactive and less extrovert. We can see the reality that in order to communicate one another, people opt to chat their friends. In fact, communication is very essential part of life. For instance, some people even upload a photo comparing families in the past with today by depicting that today, they hold their own phone and ignore other people close to them, while families in the past look smile one another and talk directly to others. To put it in a nutshell, in this era, people cannot prioritize the things that they should do. I agree that today’s people would rather spend their time for personal enjoyment than caring about their personal development, responsibility, and other people.
Nowadays, the advanced and sophisticated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have become part of almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
all over the world. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become more addicted to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
, enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
yet
forget the essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and things that they should do.
Thus
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agree
to the extent that in this era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in doing things less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than doing things beneficial to themselves.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, reasonable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agree
that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
our life easier, it doesn’t
necessarily
mean that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do something insignificant, or even worthless.
Personally
, I believe that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
all day long for playing games, using social media, updating photos, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth. Take,
for example
, that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students do these insignificant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
relentlessly
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their obligations to study and do the assignments.

In addition
, another salient fact on why I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agree
with the prompt is that the fact showing that most students were cramming prior to final
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they chose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for worthless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in corresponding to studying.
For instance
, they
also
procrastinated their assignments and collected them to the lecturers or teachers without full responsibility and passion.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Much
worse,
even though
they know that they have educational responsibility, they choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with friends in a café. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
students do,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions such as businessman, engineers, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
unwisely
such as watching movies in a cinema too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
and using social media such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
instagram
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
while they have urgent jobs to do as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.

Since most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, they become more inactive and less extrovert. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the reality that in order to communicate one another,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opt to chat their friends. In fact, communication is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential part of life.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
even upload a photo comparing families in the past with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
by depicting that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
, they hold their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
phone and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
close to them, while families in the past look smile one another and talk
directly
to others.

To put it in a nutshell, in this era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot prioritize the things that they should do. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment than caring about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
development, responsibility, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
55Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay People today spend too much tie on personal enjoyment--doing things they like to do--rather than doing things they should do. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
413 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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