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Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.18

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. v. 18
In a digital world, everything is attracted by something. Now a days people are getting attracted to the consumer good by their advertisement not due to the need and I agree with the question statement. In below paragraph I would like to give my thesis on my agreement. First of all, all companies having sales and marketing department and they are well known with the market trends. They know how they can sell the product without telling the truth to the customer. They create an advertisement keep us in their mind and our generation people attract by seeing the same and buy the products very frequently even some time people does not know the use it Secondly, people used to collect the advertisements before going to shop and they just saw the discount and make the list accordingly, even some time they does not need that product also, by doing this we are supporting all companies to increase their sales. I would like the share a example which I did last week when I went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping. I saw the discount on dry fruit and took the all in one-one packet, even we have dry fruits at home. Last but not least, these companies are also very clever, they just drop the discount pamphlets in our mailbox to attract us and by seeing, we are making our mind to go there and shop. To conclude this, the advertisement is playing a very big role to make big company to bigger by increasing their sales and we are also helping them.
In a digital world, everything
is attracted
by something.
Did you mean "nowadays"?
Now a days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting attracted to the consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
not due to the need and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the question statement. In below paragraph I would like to give my thesis on my agreement.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
having sales and marketing
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
department and
they are well known with the market trends. They know how they can sell the product without telling the truth to the customer. They create an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us in their mind and our generation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attract by seeing the same and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
frequently
even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
does
not know the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
it


Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to collect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
shop and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
the discount and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the list
accordingly
, even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "do"
does
not need that product
also
, by doing this we are supporting all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to increase their sales. I would like the share
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
example which I did last week when I went to Walmart to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
grocery shopping. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
the discount on dry fruit and took the all in one-one packet, even we have dry fruits at home.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
clever, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
drop the discount pamphlets in our mailbox to attract us and by seeing, we are making our mind to go there and shop.

To conclude
this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
is playing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to bigger by increasing their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sales and
we are
also
helping them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. v. 18

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
265 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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