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Today people are travelling more than ever before. WHY is this case? What are the benefits of travelling for the traveler? v.5

Today people are travelling more than ever before. WHY is this case? What are the benefits of travelling for the traveler? v. 5
At present we can see or hear that most young people are not so successful as their parents all over the world. At the same time, people suggest that a child's success is dependent on the way parents bring them up. Personally, I agree with this opinion and it will be discussed why. To begin with, the highest role in a child's success plays their parents and the way bring them up, because the most children love repeat that did their parents. In addition, the parents must be responsible for their children since a young age. For instance, statistics all over the world shows that at present, many young people go into negative ways and one of the main reasons is following; not enough attention, their behaviour in society, attention to the environment and the way bring them up. Furthermore, children or young people who are not enough brought up by their parents can be a society problem (like a thief). In contrast, there are a lot of young people who achieve the success when they were only 18 or 19 years old, because they were brought up since a childhood. For example, a singer Billie Ellis, who is 19 years old but famous all over the world then other ones. Moreover, she says that no one becomes successful if he (or she) do not improve himself (or herself) also she added that the role of parents is larger then others. To sum up all above mentioned opinions or suggestions we can say that child's success is dependent on the way bring them up also the environment where they live. Likewise, success will not come to you if you do not work on yourself hard without stoping.
At
The comma is probably missing here: "present, we".
present we
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
or hear that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
successful as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
all over the world. At the same time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest that a child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is dependent on the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
them up.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and it will
be discussed
why.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the highest role in a child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
plays their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
them up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the most children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
repeat that did their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be responsible for their children since a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age.
For instance
, statistics all over the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that at present,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ways and one of the main reasons is following; not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attention, their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in society, attention to the environment and the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
them up.
Furthermore
, children or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
brought up by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can be a society problem (like a thief).

In contrast
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who achieve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
when they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
18 or 19 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
were brought
up since a childhood.
For example
, a singer Billie Ellis, who is 19 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
all over the world then other ones.
Moreover
, she says that no one becomes successful if he (or she) do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
himself (or herself)
also
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
that the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is
Did you mean "larger than"?
larger then
others.

To sum up all above mentioned opinions or suggestions we can say that child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is dependent on the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
them up
also
the environment where they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
Likewise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to you if you do not work on yourself
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
without
Possible spelling mistake found.
stoping
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Today people are travelling more than ever before. WHY is this case? What are the benefits of travelling for the traveler? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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