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Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic? v.4

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic? v. 4
Nowadays, obesity among people is increasing day by day. The main reason of obesity is the lifestyle of human beings. Everyone is focused on earning more and more money. Nobody cares about their health. People have become lazy, due to which they prefer to eat Fast Food which is easily available everywhere. In New York City, a burger with fries cost less than a bowl of salad. The popularity of fast food among everyone is the main reason of the majority of people being overweight. We work for more than 8 hours every day, most of us have sitting jobs. We don't exercise or go to the gym as we are so lazy to get up early morning. Instead of cooking a healthy meal we prefer to buy food online as it is cheap and we won't have to cook. People end up taking a lot of calories as compared to the calories they burn in their entire day. Overweight can lead to some serious problems. The high level of cholesterols is very dangerous for the heart. It not only weaken the immune system but also make us vulnerable to many diseases. One will have lots of difficulty in breathing and will be spending much of his time in the hospital. Bad fat affects our organs and can permanently damage them. To sum up, being overweight is a choice. Our lifestyle and eagerness to earn more money is the main cause of obesity. We should tackle this problem by eating healthy food and exercise whenever possible. We are the smartest living creatures on the planet can either choose to be fat or exercise our way out to live a healthy life.
Nowadays, obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
increasing day by day. The main reason of obesity is the lifestyle of human beings. Everyone
is focused
on earning more and more money. Nobody cares about their health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have become lazy, due to which they prefer to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Food
which is
easily
available everywhere. In New York City, a burger with fries cost less than a bowl of salad. The popularity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
among everyone is the main reason of the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
being overweight.

We work for more than 8 hours every day, most of us have sitting jobs. We don't exercise or go to the gym as we are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
lazy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
up early morning.
Instead
of cooking a healthy meal we prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
online as it is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
cheap and
we won't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
cook.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
calories as compared to the calories they burn in their entire day.

Overweight can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious problems. The high level of
Possible spelling mistake found.
cholesterols
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for the heart. It not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
weaken the immune system
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us vulnerable to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases. One will have lots of difficulty in breathing and will be spending much of his time in the hospital.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
affects our organs and can
permanently
damage them.

To sum up, being overweight is a choice. Our lifestyle and eagerness to earn more money is the main cause of obesity. We should tackle this problem by eating healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and exercise whenever possible. We are the smartest living creatures on the planet can either choose to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
or exercise our way out to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy life.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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