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Today more and more people are using mobile phones and computers. Thus, people are losing the ability to communicate face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Today more and more people are using mobile phones and computers. Thus, people are losing the ability to communicate face to face. v. 2
It is true that in recent year, many people have become over-reliant on using smart phones and tablet. While I agree that the proliferation of technology makes people decrease an interaction with their friends, I do not consider that a technical breakthrough is a cause of people losing a connection with each other. On the one hand, the availability of new communication technologies may also have the result of discouraging real interaction. Firstly, using mobile phones and computers which may not express a real emotional messenger. Through the application of e-mail services in smart phones, people can only transfer to text-messaging which cannot alleviate a sadness of their mental peers when they get in trouble in their life. Thus, the technology makes people lose the facility for communicating face to face. Secondly, smart phones can cause to the downfall of society’s interpersonal communication. As people can only pay attention the screen of their phones that is a major cause of losing the ability to interact face to face. On the other hand, I disagree that people become dependence on the modern technology that can lose the ability to communicate face to face. Primarily, e-mail services in their phones are a useful tool to help accelerate the flow of information between their friends. This is essential to help people share quickly ups and downs in their life rather than they have to meet directly. In addition, people can easily connect with each other in anytime and anywhere. They do not have their private time to participate in an anecdote about their friends because of a hectic schedule in the firms. As a result, using smart phones is the best way that can connect with their peers and help them release their stress after a full-time job. In conclusion, although I accept that advances in technology makes people isolate from their friends, I disagree that the development of technology results in losing the ability to face to face.
It is true that in recent year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become over-reliant on using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and tablet. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the proliferation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decrease an interaction with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, I do not consider that a technical breakthrough is a cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
losing a connection with each other.

On the one hand, the availability of new communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
may
also
have the result of discouraging real interaction.
Firstly
, using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and computers which may not express a real emotional messenger. Through the application of e-mail services in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
transfer to text-messaging which cannot alleviate a sadness of their mental peers when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in trouble in their life.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lose the facility for communicating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can cause to the downfall of society’s interpersonal communication.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
pay attention the screen of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
that is
a major cause of losing the ability to interact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to face.

On the other hand
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become dependence on the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
that can lose the ability to communicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
.
Primarily
, e-mail services in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are a useful tool to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
accelerate the flow of information between their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. This is essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
share
quickly
ups and downs in their life
rather
than they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
directly
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
easily
connect with each other in anytime and anywhere. They do not have their private time to participate in an anecdote about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a hectic schedule in the firms.
As a result
, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is the best way that can connect with their peers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them release their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
after a full-time job.

In conclusion
, although I accept that advances in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
isolate from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, I disagree that the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
results in losing the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Today more and more people are using mobile phones and computers. Thus, people are losing the ability to communicate face to face. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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