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Today many people believe that older workers are more important to the company than young individuals, whereas others But another part think (are convinced) younger employees are better. v.1

Today many people believe that older workers are more important to the company than young individuals, whereas others But another part think (are convinced) younger employees are better. v. 1
In this day and age, it it often discussed who works more productively, older employees or young ones. On the one hand, young workers are more active and energetic, so they tend to be more involved in the working process as well as and learning some new skills. I agree that the majority of young guys are interested in developing their career and being promoted. A significant number of older employees might have been working for just one organization or enterprise at the same place for 30 years, still feeling satisfied with their employment, though this is unlikely to be advantageous for any employer, since they do not contribute to the company's development anymore. For example, last year I worked for a large firm, and in my opinion, young guys worked much more productively, determined and goal-oriented compared to older employees. Of course, there are always those who do not want to do anything. On the other hand, older qualified personnel perform better than younger employees since they have huge work experience. I believe, that such employees are very important to the head manager. It is true, they know a lot and can share their valuable knowledge with younger employees. For example, my mother is already an old employee. She has been working as an engineer for quite a long time and due to her professional traits such as being smart and responsible, she can teach freshmen a lot. Moreover, these workers will always be much more appreciated by the company management. To conclude, I would like to say that it is not the age that matters, but professional skills and the ability to excellently perform, one can possess, will always be most essential for an employer before being ready to offer a job. I am still convinced, that employees who are lazy and completely inactive, regardless of their age, are not needed.
In this day and age,
It seems you either mean "it is", "if it", "it" or there is a comma missing: "it, it".
it it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
discussed who works more
productively
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones. On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
workers are more active and energetic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they tend to be more involved in the working process
as well
as and learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
guys
are interested
in developing their career and
being promoted
. A significant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
might have been working for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one organization or enterprise at the same place for 30 years,
still
feeling satisfied with their employment, though this is unlikely to be advantageous for any employer, since they do not contribute to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's development anymore.
For example
, last year I worked for a large firm, and in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
guys worked much more
productively
, determined and goal-oriented compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
Of course
, there are always those who do not want to do anything.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
qualified personnel perform better than younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
since they have huge work experience. I believe, that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the head manager. It is true, they know a lot and can share their valuable knowledge with younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
For example
, my mother is already an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
. She has been working as an engineer for quite a long time and due to her professional traits such as being smart and responsible, she can teach freshmen a lot.
Moreover
, these workers will always be much more appreciated by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
management.

To conclude
, I would like to say that it is not the age that matters,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and the ability to
excellently
perform, one can possess, will always be most essential for an employer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
being ready to offer a job. I am
still
convinced, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
who are lazy and completely inactive, regardless of their age, are not needed.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Today many people believe that older workers are more important to the company than young individuals, whereas others But another part think (are convinced) younger employees are better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
313 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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