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Today culture is becoming more or less similar all around the world. Is it a positive or negative trend? v.2

Today culture is becoming more or less similar all around the world. Is it a positive or negative trend? v. 2
Many aspects of culture and people' s lifestyle are becoming increasingly similar throughout the world. Although this trend has some benefits, I would agree that the disadvantages are more noteworthy. On the one hand, global reach of fashion brands, similar eating habits of people around the globe and similar traditions have some major benefits. For instance, Starbucks, the renowned coffee chain, has grown from a single outlet in Seattle to as many as 30000 shops in around sixty countries. The global business opportunity enables many brands to sell products all around the world. Nearly identical stores serve cups of coffee to hundreds and thousands of people, the cappuccino, which is the same no matter whether you are sipping it - in New York, London, New Delhi, Melbourne or in Istanbul. People can enjoy fashion, food and other aspects of diverse nationalities staying at home country. A stronger bond could be observed among people no matter where they live. Thus the differences among nations are reducing and this is quite helpful in maintaining the world peace. On the other hand, there are some striking disadvantages of this trend that we should be concerned about. Firstly, there is a spread of cross-cultural materialistic lifestyle and attitude that makes us less human and more selfish. For example, the role of TV advertisements in most of the cases is related to the concept of materialism. This phenomenon is demonstrated in other cultures and the net global result tends to predict and reinforce terminal materialism that is buying for the sake of buying, instead of buying for the basic needs. Secondly, with the aggressive spread of market economies and communication technology, local cultures and values are in peril. The West has made an effort to undermine their cultural heritage by imposing thief religion and policies. The true identity and culture are in jeopardy with the influence of alien cultures and new generation cares less about their history and tradition and more about machine-centric life. In conclusion, it seems to me that the drawbacks of globalisation and similar lifestyle of people due to the single culture in the world outweigh the advantages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s lifestyle are becoming
increasingly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
similar
throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. Although this trend has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the disadvantages are more noteworthy.

On the one hand, global reach of fashion brands,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
similar
eating habits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the globe and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
similar
traditions have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major benefits.
For instance
, Starbucks, the renowned coffee chain, has grown from a single outlet in Seattle to as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as 30000 shops in around sixty countries. The global business opportunity enables
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
brands to sell products all around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
Nearly
identical stores serve cups of coffee to hundreds and thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the cappuccino, which is the same no matter whether you are sipping it
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
in New York, London, New Delhi, Melbourne or in Istanbul.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can enjoy fashion, food and other aspects of diverse nationalities staying at home country. A stronger bond could
be observed
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
no matter where they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the differences among nations are reducing and this is quite helpful in maintaining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
striking disadvantages of this trend that we should
be concerned
about.
Firstly
, there is a spread of cross-cultural materialistic lifestyle and attitude that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us less human and more selfish.
For example
, the role of TV advertisements in most of the cases
is related
to the concept of materialism. This phenomenon
is demonstrated
in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and the net global result tends to predict and reinforce terminal materialism
that is
buying for the sake of buying,
instead
of buying for the basic needs.
Secondly
, with the aggressive spread of market economies and communication technology, local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and values are in peril. The West has made an effort to undermine their cultural heritage by imposing thief religion and policies. The true identity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
are in jeopardy with the influence of alien
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and new generation cares less about their history and tradition and more about machine-centric life.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that the drawbacks of
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
similar
lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
due to the single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
outweigh the advantages.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Today culture is becoming more or less similar all around the world. Is it a positive or negative trend? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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