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To improve the job prospects, the secondary schools should spend more time teaching communication skills and business and spend less time on history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

To improve the job prospects, the secondary schools should spend more time teaching communication skills and business and spend less time on history. v. 1
Being perfect at vocation is one of the essential issues related to high school programs. To reach this purpose, school programs can be high depending on communication aptitude, but learning history can have less affection. I completely disagree with the given statement on the basis of learning from past and historical base jobs. To begin with, the main reason is that ancient times repeats itself. There are several events in the past that can be taught to children. Therefore, They can be as a pattern in their mind and they should behave when the similar issued at their job. For instance, behaviour of traditional businessmen has been always a key to use them on modern business to some extant. Thus, we do not need to experience the event that happened in the old days. Todays, there are several kinds of jobs related to traditional subjects. Historical base jobs have tremendous financial profits to most of the countries. For examples, huge number of job positions are related to historical issues such as arts, galleries, books and museums. If schools do not put significant programs, not only these types of job will not be exist anymore, but it will be a tragedy of international economic as well. Therefore, under no circumstances is it acceptable to decrease history classes at schools. To conclude, I personally take the view that traditional programs at schools should have special attention, because ancient things can teach us and the economy depends on history. It would be highly recommended that school authorities regulate new programs to teach the students about history base career.
Being perfect at vocation is one of the essential issues related to high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
. To reach this purpose,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
can be high depending on communication aptitude,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
can have less affection. I completely disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement on the basis of learning from past and historical base jobs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the main reason is that ancient times repeats itself. There are several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in the past that can
be taught
to children.
Therefore
, They can be as a pattern in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mind and
they should behave when the similar issued at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of traditional businessmen has been always a key to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them on modern business to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extant.
Thus
, we do not need to experience the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
that happened in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
days.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Todays
, there are several kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
related to traditional subjects. Historical base
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
have tremendous financial profits to most of the countries. For examples, huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions
are related
to historical issues such as arts, galleries, books and museums. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not put significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will not be
Consider using a past participle here: "existed".
exist
anymore,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will be a tragedy of international economic
as well
.
Therefore
, under no circumstances is it acceptable to decrease
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
classes at schools.

To conclude
, I
personally
take the view that traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should have special attention,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
ancient things can teach us and the economy depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. It would be
highly
recommended that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities regulate new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
to teach the students about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
base career.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay To improve the job prospects, the secondary schools should spend more time teaching communication skills and business and spend less time on history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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