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To conclude, many people are not getting the right amount of rest their body needs because they need to make a living and want to start their day early. As a result, not only their health is affected but also their relationships. v.1

To conclude, many people are not getting the right amount of rest their body needs because they need to make a living and want to start their day early. As a result, not only their health is affected but also their relationships. v. 1
While in the past, people used to get many hours of night's rest, nowadays, it is not the case. This essay will discuss the reasons for this trend and explain the impact it has on individuals and those around them. One main factor causing people to sleep less at night is family obligations. Sole earners are responsible for the needs of their immediate and extended families, so they do more than one job, which may involve working until late at night. In developing countries, for example, it is a common trend for people to operate taxi services after their usual office work so as to generate additional income. Another factor is traffic. Many cities suffer vehicle gridlock especially in the mornings when everyone is in a hurry, so most people wake up and leave their house before dawn in order to avoid getting stuck in traffic. The effects of sleep deprivation can be extremely harmful. Firstly, it could lead to ill health. The human body needs at least seven to ten hours of sleep in order for the brain to function efficiently. If this is lacking, people might suffer from mental health problems. For example, a recent study revealed that people who stay up late are prone to memory loss. Secondly, it affects daily interaction. When people are stressed out as a result of insufficient rest, they find it challenging to create time for fun with family members or friends. Thus, their life becomes monotonous. To conclude, many people are not getting the right amount of rest their body needs because they need to make a living and want to start their day early. As a result, not only their health is affected but also their relationships.
While in the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours of night's rest, nowadays, it is not the case. This essay will discuss the reasons for this trend and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the impact it has on individuals and those around them.

One main factor causing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to sleep less at night is family obligations. Sole earners are responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
of their immediate and extended families,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do more than one job, which may involve working until late at night. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
,
for example
, it is a common trend for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to operate taxi services after their usual office work
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
generate additional income. Another factor is traffic.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
cities suffer vehicle gridlock
especially
in the mornings when everyone is in a hurry,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wake up and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
dawn in order to avoid getting stuck in traffic.

The effects of sleep deprivation can be
extremely
harmful.
Firstly
, it could lead to ill health. The human body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
at least seven to ten hours of sleep in order for the brain to function
efficiently
. If this is lacking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might suffer from mental health problems.
For example
, a recent study revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who stay up late are prone to memory loss.
Secondly
, it affects daily interaction. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
out
as a result
of insufficient rest, they find it challenging
Did you mean "creating"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to create
time for fun with family members or friends.
Thus
, their life becomes monotonous.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not getting the right amount of rest their body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their day early.
As a result
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their health is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their relationships.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay To conclude, many people are not getting the right amount of rest their body needs because they need to make a living and want to start their day early. As a result, not only their health is affected but also their relationships. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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