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Throughout the history, people dream to built a perfect society while they haven’t agreed how the ideal society would be like. What is the most important element you think to make? How to achieve an ideal society? v.2

Throughout the history, people dream to built a perfect society while they haven’t agreed how the ideal society would be like. What is the most important element you think to make? How to achieve an ideal society? v. 2
It is commonly believed that a perfect society is the aim of many citizens even without have a vision of how the ideal society would be like. In my point of view, there are some crucial factors leading to an ideal society and fortunatuely, there are ways for us to achieve that. This essay will first discuss about some potential factors, then, it will point out few methods to lead to that achievement. I put forward the idea that there are two most crucial factors that need to focus on the path leading to the perfect society in this modern life. The first one that stands out is the social bonding. A place where people have a strong bonding would tend to lead a better live. For example, family is a basic foundation of every society, and if family members can built a close-knit family, they would form a better society. Additionally, the range of knowledge of each citizen should be counted. A person with a good educational background would simply know how to behave in a good way, therefore the society would turn into a more civilized one. In term of how to achieve an ideal society, it is undeniable that improving the living standard is never out of fashion. There is no denying that the higher the standard of living is, the more comfortable and satisfied the citizens feel. Firstly, the government should pay more attention on the education, especially since the children are still on early age as well as invest in the technology and the infrastructure in the city to bring convenience to the citizens. Secondly, providing opportunities for the unemployed to secure jobs should be counted as one method. For example, many enterprises boost their name by a good marketing plan, and the citizens therefore can register to be a future staff in those ones. All in all, social bonding as well as citizens’ knowledge can not be forgotten to mention to make a perfect society and to achieve an ideal society, high living standard is first to recommend.
It is
commonly
believed that a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is the aim of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
even without have a vision of how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
would be like. In my point of view, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crucial factors leading to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
fortunatuely
, there are ways for us to achieve that. This essay will
first
discuss about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
potential factors, then, it will point out few methods to lead to that achievement.

I put forward the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that there are two most crucial factors that need to focus on the path leading to the perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in this modern life. The
first
one that stands out is the social bonding. A place where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have a strong bonding would tend to lead a better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
For example
, family is a basic foundation of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, and if family members can built a close-knit family, they would form a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Additionally
, the range of knowledge of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
should
be counted
. A person with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
educational background would
simply
know how to behave in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way,
therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
would turn into a more civilized one.

In term of how to achieve an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, it is undeniable that improving the living standard is never out of fashion. There is no denying that the higher the standard of living is, the more comfortable and satisfied the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
feel.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should pay more attention on the education,
especially
since the children are
still
on early age
as well
as invest in the technology and the infrastructure in the city to bring convenience to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
.
Secondly
, providing opportunities for the unemployed to secure jobs should
be counted
as one method.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
enterprises boost their name by a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marketing plan, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
therefore
can register to be a future staff in
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "those" instead.
those ones
.

All in all, social bonding
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens’
knowledge can not
be forgotten
to mention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and to achieve an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, high living standard is
first
to recommend.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Throughout the history, people dream to built a perfect society while they haven’t agreed how the ideal society would be like. What is the most important element you think to make? How to achieve an ideal society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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