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Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v.12

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v. 12
There is no room for doubt that a topic central to a long-running and ongoing debate has revolved around a question about the most reasonable definition of a model society. In my viewpoints, although an ideal society has been stemmed from the blend of many suitable points, I lean towards social cohesion is the most vital determinant, if not the prerequisite. Concomitantly, there are some effective way to, at least, improve the society. Supposedly, a socially cohesive society can be able to exert many positive influences on other social aspects and contribute to coping with a great number of social evils. First and foremost, when all humans reach the highest level of solidarity, one will care about other’s struggles, especially poverty, and share together, meaning that mutual compassion, philanthropy will be likely to appear all the time, everywhere. In other words, therefore, this thing can lead to narrowing the disparity between the haves and have-nots, widely considered as a beneficial, knock-on factor which can help to reduce criminals, wipe out slums, … and many paramount social matters. As suggested, there is a decisive interrelation between how perfect a society become and the social bond. From those above arguments, I suppose that in order to create a quintessential civilization of mankind, everyone, firstly, have to eradicate the sense of self-centeredness in our mind. From that point, we need to give prominence to the collective consciousness as opposed to be preoccupied and engrossed by each own interests. Nevertheless, it is important to note that obtaining this thing lingeringly hasn’t ever been a straightforward task. Hence, from being a child, one has to be tangibly taught about those aforementioned points in a meticulous way such as in official curriculums. In conclusion, on the basis of the above-mentioned arguments, of all the indispensable elements, social cohesion has been regarded as the most vital precursor for a flawless humanity’s world. So, to accomplish this tricky objective, each individual has to bare in mind the awareness about how to dispose of selfishness and those morals should be of primary curriculums.
There is no room for doubt that a topic central to a long-running and ongoing debate has revolved around a question about the most reasonable definition of a model
society
. In my viewpoints, although an ideal
society
has
been stemmed
from the blend of
many
suitable points, I lean towards
social
cohesion is the most vital determinant, if not the prerequisite.
Concomitantly
, there are
some
effective way to, at least,
improve
the society.

Supposedly
, a
socially
cohesive
society
can be able to exert
many
positive
influences on other
social
aspects and contribute to coping with a great number of
social
evils.
First
and foremost, when all humans reach the highest level of solidarity, one will care about other’s struggles,
especially
poverty, and share together, meaning that mutual compassion, philanthropy will be likely to appear all the time, everywhere.
In other words
,
therefore
, this thing can lead to narrowing the disparity between the haves and
have-nots
,
widely
considered as a beneficial, knock-on factor which can
help
to
reduce
criminals, wipe out slums, … and
many
paramount
social
matters. As suggested, there is a decisive interrelation between how perfect a
society
become and the
social
bond.

From those above arguments, I suppose that in order to create a quintessential civilization of mankind, everyone,
firstly
,
have to
eradicate the sense of
self-centeredness
in our mind. From that point, we need to give prominence to the collective consciousness as opposed to
be preoccupied
and engrossed by each
own
interests.
Nevertheless
, it is
important
to note that obtaining this thing
lingeringly
hasn’t ever been a straightforward task.
Hence
, from being a child, one
has to
be
tangibly
taught about those aforementioned points
in a meticulous way
such as in official curriculums.

In conclusion
, on the basis of the above-mentioned arguments, of all the indispensable elements,
social
cohesion has
been regarded
as the most vital precursor for a flawless humanity’s world.
So
, to accomplish this tricky objective, each individual
has to
bare in mind
the awareness about how to dispose of selfishness and those morals should be of primary curriculums.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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