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This tables show data about the amount of television watched by children in different countries (hours per day ) and also the average academic achievement of people in these countries (% of people completing each level. ) v.1

This tables show data about the amount of television watched by children in different countries (hours per day ) and also the average academic achievement of people in these countries (% of people completing each level. ) v. 1
It is believed that some companies complain about the poor communication skills of their new hires such as working in a group. In my opinion, one of the reasons is the majority of students who did not get a comprehensive education. This problem results from a substantial number of causes to which several solutions will be proposed in this essay. On the one hand, optimal education leads to the lack of socializing skill of staff. To begin with, the cause of this problem can be found in the school. The students are encouraged to achieve personal excellence on exams instead of having social skills or working in a group to become team players. For example, some students study in architecture university when doing the project about designing they can make the construction drawing and they did not know that the materials in that drawing are really having to complete a building. Furthermore, there are a significant number of students who have limited communication at school and difficulty in connecting with the class members. On the other hand, in order to conduct business effectively, companies must train new employees to acquire interpersonal skills. Initially, it is necessary to develop cooperative skills, make the most of latest management techniques. For instance, some companies organize some weekend activities which workers have to work in a group or create some outdoor activities to raise the confrontation between the employees and their colleagues. Moreover, they do not work in the office, but also go outside to practice at the construction site. To sum up, there are a substantial number of solutions to tackle in a lack of basic interpersonal skills in new workers.
It
is believed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
complain about the poor communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
of their new hires such as working in a group. In my opinion, one of the reasons is the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a comprehensive education. This problem results from a substantial number of causes to which several solutions will
be proposed
in this essay.

On the one hand, optimal education leads to the lack of socializing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
of staff. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the cause of this problem can
be found
in the school. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are encouraged
to achieve personal excellence on exams
instead
of having social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or working in a group to become team players.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
study in architecture university when doing the project about designing they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the construction
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
drawing and
they did not know that the materials in that drawing are
really
having to complete a building.
Furthermore
, there are a significant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have limited communication at school and difficulty in connecting with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
members.

On the other hand
, in order to conduct business
effectively
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
train new employees to acquire interpersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Initially
, it is necessary to develop cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
management techniques.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
organize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
weekend activities which workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work in a group or create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor activities to raise the confrontation between the employees and their colleagues.
Moreover
, they do not work in the office,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
go outside to practice at the construction site.

To sum up, there are a substantial number of solutions to tackle in a lack of basic interpersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in new workers.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay This tables show data about the amount of television watched by children in different countries (hours per day ) and also the average academic achievement of people in these countries (% of people completing each level. ) v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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