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These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having negative impact on children's behaviour. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having negative impact on children's behaviour. v. 1
There has been an increase in violence featured in the mass media in recent times. It is argued by some people that this trend has detrimental effects on the way young ones behave. I agreed with this view, as violence promotes bullying and it desensitizes children's view of crime. First of all, the rampart violence on the television encourages youngsters to bully others. Violent movies promote the belief that a person needs to out power other people with force in order to success. For example, action movies such as Delta Force make children think that they can threaten or even kill their colleagues with guns. As a result, some youngsters imitate what they see on the screen and become bullies and a threat in schools. Furthermore, many young ones are attracted to crime because of the violence they watch on the mass media. This occurs owing to the fact that the major characters in the violent movies they watch, play the role of a criminal, which makes them love those roles. For instance, a recent Child Psychological report in the United Kingdom linked the surge in juvenile shop lifting and knife attacks to the violence featured on the television. Therefore, if there have been a reduction in the violence on the television, there would have been a significant decline in juvenile crime in many societies. In conclusion, while there has been a rise in violence shown in the mass media, this has resulted in deleterious effects on children's behaviour, as many young ones are motivated to bully others and view crime as normal today. Efforts geared toward educating parents about this harmful consequence should be promoted.
There has been an increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
featured in the mass media in recent times. It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that this trend has detrimental effects on the way young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
behave. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with this view, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
promotes bullying and it desensitizes children's view of crime.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the rampart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on the television encourages youngsters to bully others. Violent movies promote the belief that a person needs to out power other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with force in order to success.
For example
, action movies such as Delta Force
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they can threaten or even kill their colleagues with guns.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youngsters imitate what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on the screen and become bullies and a threat in schools.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are attracted
to crime
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
on the mass media. This occurs owing to the fact that the major characters in the violent movies they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
, play the role of a criminal, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
those roles.
For instance
, a recent Child Psychological report in the United Kingdom linked the surge in juvenile shop lifting and knife attacks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
featured on the television.
Therefore
, if there have been a reduction in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on the television, there would have been a significant decline in juvenile crime in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
societies.

In conclusion
, while there has been a rise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
shown in the mass media, this has resulted in deleterious effects on children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are motivated
to bully others and view crime as normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. Efforts geared toward educating parents about this harmful consequence should
be promoted
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having negative impact on children's behaviour. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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