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These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. v. 3
Watching television nowadays is become a part of people daily activities to spent our leisure time and gathering new information worldwide. In the other side, some people believe that seeing television give a negative effect to children behaviour. While this is understandable, I strongly believe that each opinion has a strong reasons. Not only adult people, but also children who watch television. Some television daily programs showing a violence on their TV program. Many people link violence on television with the real world. Children who do not have a mind border yetusually copying behaviour they see on the screen. For example, in Indonesia in these recent years children delinquency increased dramatically. They do crimes based on violence they saw in TV. This trend makes them become a criminals some case make someone lost their life. Consequently, some TV programs giving a negative impacts to children future. In the other hand, we can also get some benefits by watching television. By seeing television, children can gather information and make learning more fun. We can update our knowledge about global events. The evidence of this case can be seen that nowadays, by watching Discovery Channel or National Geographic, young people will get a new edification. Children will have awareness aboutworld wild and know about new place without have to go there. In addition, television have another function. For some children who does not have much time to play outside, seeing TV program is one of a best way to relax. For example, now on nearly all of TV station has a comedy programs. This program brings the best comedian, which last decades only can be seen in circus, into our homes. This program will entertain and refresh children mind after their grueling day. To sum up, it is evident that seeing television has advantages although it is also give negative effect. To reduce the negative impact for children, parents and the society should pay more attention to young kids and selected TV program that children watched.
Watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
nowadays
is become
a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
daily activities to spent our leisure time and gathering new information worldwide. In the other side,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that seeing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
give a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. While this is understandable, I
strongly
believe that each opinion has a strong
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "reason"?
reasons
.

Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
showing a violence on their TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
link violence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
with the real world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who do not have a mind border
Possible spelling mistake found.
yetusually
copying
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on the screen.
For example
, in Indonesia in these recent years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
delinquency increased
dramatically
. They do crimes based on violence they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
in TV. This trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them become
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a criminal" or simply "criminals"?
a criminals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
case
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
someone lost their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
giving a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
impacts to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
future.

In the other hand, we can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits by watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. By seeing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can gather information and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
learning more fun. We can update our knowledge about global
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. The evidence of this case can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that nowadays, by watching Discovery Channel or National Geographic, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a new edification.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
will have awareness
Possible spelling mistake found.
aboutworld
wild and know about new place without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go there.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
have another function. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "do"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
does
not have much time to play outside, seeing TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
is one of
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best way to relax.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
on
nearly
Consider using "all TV" or "all of the TV".
all of TV
station has a comedy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
brings the best comedian, which last decades
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in circus, into our homes. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
will entertain and refresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mind after their grueling day.

To sum up, it is evident that seeing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has advantages although it is
also
Consider using a past participle here: "given".
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
impact for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, parents and the society should pay more attention to young kids and selected TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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