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These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. v. 1
There is an increasing amount of violence broadcasted on television nowadays which is having a negative effect on children's attitude. As children are very good learners they adapt what they see immediately, hence when they watch destruction and violence on the screens they learn from it which reflects in their behaviour. Therefore, I completely agree with this statement that watching violence on TV has a bad impact on children's behaviour. There is a school of thought which argues that the content shown on TV has minimal effects on children's attitude, the environment of the house has the biggest impact on them. For example, if they see parents and other siblings fighting and arguing they will learn from it and hence results in negative behaviour. Furthermore, home is the place where children learn basic manners, when they are taught to behave well they will never adopt from anything negative they see hence there won't be any change in their behaviour regardless of the increasing amount of violence shown on TV. On the contrary, in recent times TV is the biggest source of learning in children. When the content telecasted on the tv is violent children are definitely affected by it. For example, a study was conducted in a school in Karachi which showed that 90% children who indulge in bullying and fighting learnt it from tv shows. In addition, kids are now extremely short-tempered and abusive, they want to be less answerable to their parents which is due to the content they see. TV shows and cartoons show fight scenes, destruction and violence which is seen by vulnerable minds of kids and is depicted in their behaviour. In conclusion, negative change in children's attitude is due to the increasing amount of violence shown on television. I strongly agree with this as the screen time of children is more hence their behaviour reflects what they see on TV. The screen time should be decreased so that this changing behaviour has positive effects.
There is an increasing amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
broadcasted on television nowadays which is having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
attitude. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
learners they adapt what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
immediately,
hence
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
destruction and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on the screens they learn from it which reflects in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Therefore
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement that watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on TV has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

There is a school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
which argues that the content shown on TV has minimal effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
attitude, the environment of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
has the biggest impact on them.
For example
, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
parents and other siblings fighting and arguing they will learn from it and
hence
results in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Furthermore
, home is the place where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn basic manners, when they
are taught
to behave well they will never adopt from anything
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
hence
there won't be any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
regardless of the increasing amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
shown on TV.

On the contrary
, in recent times TV is the biggest source of learning in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
the content
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "telecast", the past tense form of the verb 'telecast'?
telecasted
on the
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
is violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by it.
For example
, a study
was conducted
in a school in Karachi which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 90%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who indulge in bullying and fighting
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
it from
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
In addition
, kids are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
extremely
short-tempered and abusive, they want to be less answerable to their parents which is due to the content they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
. TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and cartoons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
fight scenes, destruction and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by vulnerable minds of kids and
is depicted
in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
attitude is due to the increasing amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
shown on television. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this as the screen time of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is more
hence
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
reflects what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on TV. The screen time should
be decreased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that this changing
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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