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These days people are living into their 90s and beyond. As a result, there is increasing concern about care for the elderly. Do you think it is the responsibility of the family to care for their elderly members or should the government be held responsible? v.2

These days people are living into their 90s and beyond. As a result, there is increasing concern about care for the elderly. Do you think it is the responsibility of the family to care for their elderly members or should the government be held responsible? v. 2
Thanks to the best medical facilities, the average life of human being has increased substantially. Many people believe that it is the family members, who should take care of older people, whereas some are on view that the government owns this responsibility. I think that relatives should take care of their elders and the government should only intervene when there is no one who can take of the old. To commence with, family members should take care of the elderly. Firstly, the parents took care of their children when they were young. They nurtured, protected and guided them to live in this world. When their parents become old, it becomes their moral duty to take care of them. Secondly, older people can be nurtured better by their children and no nurse or hospital can match this. This is because of the bond of love between them. When people get old, then they need love from their family as much as they need medicines to stay healthy. For example, old people usually feel lonely, this can easily tackled if family members stay around and take care of them. On the other hand, people give argument that the administration should take care of the elderly, because mature people are often busy with their work schedules, so cannot be around them all the time. Therefore, the administration should set up old age centres, with all the medical facilities to take care of them. For instance, in case of a sudden heart attack, if a person is already in the old age centre, then the treatment can start earlier and hence, there are higher chances of survival. To conclude, some people claim that it is better if the government takes up the responsibility of the elders. However, I believe that the relatives can take care of them in a better way because the old people need love and attention.
Thanks to the best medical facilities, the average life of human being has increased
substantially
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, who should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are on view that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
this responsibility. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that relatives should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their elders and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
intervene when there is no one who can take of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the elderly.
Firstly
, the parents took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their children when they were young. They nurtured, protected and guided them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in this world. When their parents become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, it becomes their moral duty to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them.
Secondly
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be nurtured
better by their children and no nurse or hospital can match this. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the bond of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
between them. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, then they need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as much as they need medicines to stay healthy.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
feel lonely, this can
easily
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "tackle"
tackled
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members stay around and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give argument that the administration should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the elderly,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
busy with their work schedules,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
cannot be around them all the time.
Therefore
, the administration should set up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
, with all the medical facilities to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them.
For instance
, in case of a sudden heart attack, if a person is already in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
, then the treatment can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
earlier and
hence
, there are higher chances of survival.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that it is better if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
takes up the responsibility of the elders.
However
, I believe that the relatives can take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them in a better way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and attention.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay These days people are living into their 90s and beyond. As a result, there is increasing concern about care for the elderly. Do you think it is the responsibility of the family to care for their elderly members or should the government be held responsible? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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