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These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v.1

These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
Nowadays, almost all children tend to prefer playing the computer games with engaging in sports. In my opinion, there are some several disadvantages developments due to the lack of social skill and cause diseases. On the one hand, there are many reasons why many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and playing sports. To begin with, parents are increasingly busy with work and the time to take care of their children is greatly reduced. In fact, they do not have time to talk, share and also take sons or daughters to participate in outdoor activities. After that, the Internet grew more and more, which the video games are developing, made young people excited and used it for entertainment instead of physical activities. Besides, there are few playgrounds and sports activities for children and also due to the current social evils, parents do not want their children to go out too much. On the other hand, spending a lot of time playing games is a negative development. First, students will neglect their studies. This may lead to the fact that the student's academic performance may be reduced. For example, after school, young people prefer playing games to doing homework. This can make them give bad points. Secondly, sitting in front of the phone screen and computer for too long will lead to obesity, myopia. Moreover, it makes young people lack social interaction. To include, continuing for children to play these games should be prevented because of their unpredictable consequences. The government should also build more outdoor play areas to help pay for her healthier development.
Nowadays, almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with engaging in sports. In my opinion, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
several disadvantages developments due to the lack of social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and cause diseases.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
sports. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, parents are
increasingly
busy with work and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
. In fact, they do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to talk, share and
also
take sons or daughters to participate in outdoor activities. After that, the Internet grew more and more, which the video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are developing, made young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
excited and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
it for entertainment
instead
of physical activities.
Besides
, there are few playgrounds and sports activities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
also
due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
social evils, parents do not want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to go out too much.

On the other hand
, spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.
First
, students will neglect their studies. This may lead to the fact that the student's academic performance may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
For example
, after school, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to doing homework. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
points.
Secondly
, sitting in front of the phone screen and computer for too long will lead to obesity, myopia.
Moreover
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
lack social interaction.

To include, continuing for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their unpredictable consequences. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
also
build more outdoor play areas to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
pay for her healthier development.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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