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There seem to be an increase number of crime committed each year, some think that the best way to use as deterrent is death penalty, others believe that there are other measures needed. v.1

There seem to be an increase number of crime committed each year, some think that the best way to use as deterrent is death penalty, others believe that there are other measures needed. v. 1
As it is known that the weight of crimes differ according to its nature, so also is the penalty. In this essay, I will be pointing out some of the measures that can serve as a sanction for an offence instead of the death. First and foremost, let me cite an example to prove my point. An example of this is a person who stole a wristwatch compared to another who murdered someone. Although, they both committed a crime, the level of their felony differs. In the case of the person who stole a phone, the punishment for such offence could be to remind the person in a prison for some period of time or pay fine while the other with the case of murder should be carefully investigated before making final decision. Secondly, one of the best measures that can be used as a punishment for the offenders instead of the death penalty is through payment of fine. This is a good method as it will also serve as a means of generating revenue for the government. In an environment where the people are aware that for every offence committed there is a huge fine levied on them, it will assist to reduce how people behave and commit crime. In addition, a great measure that can serve as punishment without death penalty is Community Services. This method is to ensure that the offender is placed under a community service program, it could be for the cleaning of the dirty drainage systems or cutting of grasses across the community. This method will also help in ensuring that people are on their best behaviour and avoid committing crimes when they are aware of the stress they will be involved into when served for a community service program. In conclusion, a measure where the offender is asked to pay the victim a good sum of money can also be used. This measure will checkmate the behaviour of people and drive them away from crime as a result of the payment involved. As listed above some of the alternative measures that can be used, it is important that note that execution should not be deterred as the major way of reducing crimes.
As it
is known
that the weight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
differ according to its nature,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
also
is the penalty.

In this essay, I will be pointing out
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
that can serve as a sanction for an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
instead
of the death.

First
and foremost,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me cite an example to prove my point. An example of this is a person who stole a wristwatch compared to another who murdered someone. Although, they both committed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, the level of their felony differs. In the case of the person who stole a phone, the punishment for such
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
could be to remind the person in a prison for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
period of time or pay fine while the other with the case of murder should be
carefully
investigated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making final decision.

Secondly
, one of the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a punishment for the offenders
instead
of the death penalty is through payment of fine. This is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
method as it will
also
serve as a means of generating revenue for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. In an environment where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are aware that for every
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
committed there is a huge fine levied on them, it will assist to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
behave and commit crime.

In addition
, a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measure
that can serve as punishment without death penalty is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Community
Services. This method is to ensure that the offender
is placed
under a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service program, it could be for the cleaning of the dirty drainage systems or cutting of grasses across the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. This method will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in ensuring that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are on their best
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and avoid committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
when they are aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
they will
be involved
into when served for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service program.

In conclusion
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measure
where the offender
is asked
to pay the victim a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sum of money can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measure
will checkmate the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and drive them away from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
as a result
of the payment involved.

As listed above
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
alternative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that note that execution should not
be deterred
as the major way of reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay There seem to be an increase number of crime committed each year, some think that the best way to use as deterrent is death penalty, others believe that there are other measures needed. v. 1

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
369 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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