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There is no need to go out to see live performance concert because it is better to see them on the TV or Computer screen Do you agree or disagree v.1

There is no need to go out to see live performance concert because it is better to see them on the TV or Computer screen v. 1
Education acts as a stepping stone, for all individuals, towards a bright future. Many even consider it essential for job readiness. In spite of it being so important, selecting an educational course has also become controversial as few believe that the selection should be done on the basis of job they want to perform rather than one's own interests. In my opinion, selecting course for higher studies is not that straight forward. Securing a job is one of the important milestones in anyone's life and many of us decide what we want to be during our childhood. Considering my own example, I had already decided to be a civil engineer when I was 14 years old and hence I pursued my engineering studies after my secondary education. Certain profiles like engineers, doctors, lawyers etc. Demand a minimum year, of course work, related to that profession, as their job requirements. As a result, aspirants wanting to take up a career in such profession need to sign up for education programs based on their job. Nevertheless, many other work profiles do not require any specify degree or diploma. One of the factors which makes us human is the ability to make free choices. Every person is unique and the skills differ from one person to another; it is not necessary that all individuals would have the same taste. Hence it is worthless for a student to take up graduation studies for which they lack the aptitude which ultimately results in frustration and drop outs. For example, the famous musician Charles Jones dropped out of business school before pursuing his interest and enrolling himself in a music school. Therefore, students should opt for studies relevant to their interest as it would help enhance their skills much better. In conclusion, although certain jobs require specified type of certification before accepting it as a profession, there are many alternate work profiles which do not demand such degrees or diplomas. As a result, the selection equally depends on both the personal choice and whether the particular course work is mandatory for the job.
Education acts as a stepping stone, for all individuals, towards a bright future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
even consider it essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
readiness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
it being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, selecting an educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
has
also
become controversial as few believe that the selection should
be done
on the basis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they want to perform
rather
than one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interests. In my opinion, selecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
for higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
is not that straight forward.

Securing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
milestones in anyone's life and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us decide what we want to be during our childhood. Considering my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
example, I had already decided to be a civil engineer when I was 14 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and
hence
I pursued my engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
after my secondary education. Certain profiles like engineers, doctors, lawyers etc. Demand a minimum year, of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, related to that profession, as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
requirements.
As a result
, aspirants wanting to take up a career in such profession need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
up for education programs based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
profiles do not require any specify degree or diploma.

One of the factors which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us human is the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
free choices. Every person is unique and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
differ from one person to another; it is not necessary that all individuals would have the same taste.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it is worthless for a student to take up graduation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
for which they lack the aptitude which
ultimately
results in frustration and
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
drop outs
.
For example
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
musician Charles Jones dropped out of business school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
pursuing his interest and enrolling himself in a music school.
Therefore
, students should opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
relevant to their interest as it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
much better.

In conclusion
, although certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
require specified type of certification
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
accepting it as a profession, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
alternate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
profiles which do not demand such degrees or diplomas.
As a result
, the selection
equally
depends on both the personal choice and whether the particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is mandatory for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay There is no need to go out to see live performance concert because it is better to see them on the TV or Computer screen v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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