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There is no need to go out to see live performance (concert. . . ) because it is better to see them on the TV or Computer screen. Do you agree or disagree v.2

We live in an age, when discussion of whether it is more entertaining for people to watch TV or to take part in the live performance is on agenda. I partially agree with the discussion as it is ought to bring excitement for people who are interested in joining events, however, there are also supporters of TV. To begin with, there are several reasons why people tend to watch TV. The biggest reason is that people assume that attending live performances is a money trap and inappropriate for people. /////The second reason is that people might find it harsh to join in a live performance if they hesitate oppressive environment or the risk of injury when being in crowded places. Furthermore, those who watch TV are likely to see more parts of a show more clearly due to the improvements in the television and the movements of cameras. On the other hand, people who think watching events on TV is more enjoyable may disregard the beauty of participation and interaction given by participating in a live performance. It is a fact that the atmosphere in live performances revive excitement and amusement that other people could not experience if watching TV at home. For instance, going to a football match is not only watching players and goals but also being a part of the cheering crowd. Secondly, people can have a chance to have a conservation with the performers. People could handshake or ask for signatures from their favorite idols. To conclude, watching events on TV or participating in live performances have their own supporters and benefits. Even though some people enjoy attending events in a live show, I prefer to watch TV.
We
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in an age, when discussion of whether it is more entertaining for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
TV or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
is on agenda. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the discussion as it is ought to bring excitement for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are interested
in joining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
,
however
, there are
also
supporters of TV.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
TV. The biggest reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assume that attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
is a money trap and inappropriate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. /////The second reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might find it harsh to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
if they hesitate oppressive environment or the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of injury when being in crowded places.
Furthermore
, those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
TV are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
more parts of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more
clearly
due to the improvements
The usual collocation for technology is “on”, not “in”.
in the television
and the movements of cameras.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on TV is more enjoyable may disregard the beauty of participation and interaction
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by participating in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
. It is a fact that the atmosphere in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
revive excitement and amusement that other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could not experience if watching TV at home.
For instance
, going to a football match is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
watching players and goals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
being a part of the cheering crowd.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have a chance to have a conservation with the performers.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
The word ‘handshake’ is a noun or an adjective. A verb is missing or misspelled, or maybe a comma is missing.
could handshake
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
signatures from their favorite idols.

To conclude
, watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on TV or participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
supporters and benefits.
Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, I prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
TV.
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I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay It is better to go out for a live performance (a show or concert) than stay at home watching TV.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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