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is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1
In this day and age, it is believed that the demands of consuming food and other products such as clothing and medicines from animals are becoming irrelevant. In my opinion, I totally agree with this view on account of several reasons below. First of all, I am convinced that it is unnecessary for people in modern world to continue to slaughter animal species for daily meals. According to some research from nutritionists, a plant-based diet can not only provide sufficient nutrients but also have positive impacts on the people’s health. This can be exemplified by the consumption of various types of grains which contains a rich source of protein and vitamins, lowering the risks of several diseases such as obesity and heart-related problems. Consequently, people who have such diet can be in good health when they grow older and expand their longevity. In addition, I also argue that medical experiments on animals and medicines as well as clothes manufactured from animals’ body parts should be widely discouraged. In fact, instead of subjecting animals to such kind of trauma of animal experimentation, the advances in technology namely computer-based tests can check the effectiveness of new drugs and provide accurate results. Besides that, using some natural plants such as ginger and ginseng not only significantly contribute to curing some illnesses like cold or flu but also improve people’s health. In terms of clothing, it is not necessary to sacrifice an animal’s life for a jacket or a dress since the proliferation of artificial fur and high-quality synthesized fabric can limit the need of tolling animals for the fashion industry. In conclusion, due to the alternative meat products and breakthroughs in technology and synthesized fabric, our needs and desires do not justify the sufferings of animals, and it is unnecessary for humans to harness animals for their consumption.
In this day and age, it
is believed
that the demands of consuming food and other products such as clothing and medicines from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are becoming irrelevant. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view on account of several reasons below.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I
am convinced
that it is unnecessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in modern world to continue to slaughter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species for daily meals. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
research from nutritionists, a plant-based diet can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provide sufficient nutrients
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health. This can
be exemplified
by the consumption of various types of grains which contains a rich source of protein and vitamins, lowering the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of several diseases such as obesity and heart-related problems.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have such diet can be in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health when they grow older and expand their longevity.

In addition
, I
also
argue that medical experiments on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and medicines
as well
as clothes manufactured from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals’
body parts should be
widely
discouraged. In fact,
instead
of subjecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
to such kind of trauma of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
experimentation, the advances in technology
namely
computer-based
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the effectiveness of new drugs and provide accurate results.
Besides
that, using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
natural plants such as ginger and ginseng not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
significantly
contribute to curing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
illnesses like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
or flu
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health. In terms of clothing, it is not necessary to sacrifice an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal’s
life for a jacket or a dress since the proliferation of artificial fur and high-quality synthesized fabric can limit the need of tolling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for the fashion industry.

In conclusion
, due to the alternative meat products and breakthroughs in technology and synthesized fabric, our needs and desires do not justify the sufferings of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
, and it is unnecessary for humans to harness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for their consumption.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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