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There is a general increase in anti-social behaviors and lack of respect for others. What are the causes and solutions? v.1

There is a general increase in anti-social behaviors and lack of respect for others. What are the causes and solutions? v. 1
The widespread problem of anti-social behaviours and disrespectful attitudes towards others has long been a major topic of concern in society. Some of the major culprits of this problem will be discussed before the most important solutions are drawn. Reasons for this alarming situation vary. In some cases, people may hold an anti-social attitude or disrespect others because they live in an environment where violence and discrimination are the norms. For example, children of sexist parents in rural families in Vietnam, irrespective of their gender, show a worrying tendency of disrespecting women. In some other cases, it is the lack of parental guidance that is to blame. As modern parents are becoming increasingly busy with their jobs, they may have the proclivity to be indifferent to children education. When there is no one to help young children distinguish between the good and the bad, ill-mannered attitudes may emerge and develop among them without being controlled. A number of definite actions could be taken to mitigate the problem. On the national level, the first obvious solution is to reduce violence and discrimination. As this would be a massive act, the all voters and legislators should be responsible. Together, they could call for stricter enforcement of the laws on violent and discriminatory acts to deter them from happening. In addition, on the nuclear-family level, parents must not underestimate the significance of their guidance for children. If they notice any signs of an anti-social or insolent manner in children, they must provide them with negative evaluations of these signs. At the same time, parents could also educate their children about social manners by instilling a pro-social sense in them. These actions, albeit small, could have a strong influence on children when they mature. To conclude, it is clear that violence, discrimination and the indifference of parents to children education are the major catalysts for increase in anti-social behaviours and disrespect for others. Strong measures, such as stringent law enforcement on violent and discriminatory acts, must be taken to alleviate this distressing situation
The widespread problem of anti-social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
and disrespectful attitudes towards others has long been a major topic of concern in society.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
major culprits of this problem will
be discussed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
solutions
are drawn
.

Reasons for this alarming situation vary. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may hold an anti-social attitude or disrespect others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an environment where violence and discrimination are the norms.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of sexist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in rural families in Vietnam, irrespective of their gender,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a worrying tendency of disrespecting women. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cases, it is the lack of parental guidance
that is
to blame. As modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are becoming
increasingly
busy with their jobs, they may have the proclivity to be indifferent to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
education. When there is no one to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
distinguish between the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
, ill-mannered attitudes may emerge and develop among them without
being controlled
.

A number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
actions could
be taken
to mitigate the problem. On the national level, the
first
obvious solution is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
violence and discrimination. As this would be a massive act, the all voters and legislators should be responsible. Together, they could call for stricter enforcement of the laws on violent and discriminatory acts to deter them from happening.
In addition
, on the nuclear-family level,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not underestimate the significance of their guidance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. If they notice any signs of an anti-social or insolent manner in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
provide them with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
evaluations of these signs. At the same time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could
also
educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about social manners by instilling a pro-social sense in them. These actions, albeit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
, could have a strong influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
when they mature.

To conclude
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that violence, discrimination and the indifference of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
education are the major catalysts for increase in anti-social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
and disrespect for others. Strong measures, such as stringent law enforcement on violent and discriminatory acts,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
to alleviate this distressing
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
situation
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay There is a general increase in anti-social behaviors and lack of respect for others. What are the causes and solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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