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There is a big influence of peer group on children's behaviour. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? What can be done about it? v.1

There is a big influence of peer group on children's behaviour. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? What can be done about it? v. 1
Indeed young ones get easily affected by behavioural traits. It is seen that peer groups put a tremendous impact on behaviour. Admittedly, there are some basic disadvantages of the influence of peer groups on children's behaviour. Firstly, adolescents have good catching power, so they easily catch the things which are not good for them because those are interesting as well as easy to do, along with it fascinated them much. Nowadays, it is seen that youngsters are habitual to intake drugs, as a result, they risk their health. Furthermore, along with it increases the crime rate because children used to do crime to have drugs and to meet their standards. They don't think what would be the effect of it in the nearby future as they are not able to control their self after getting into it. Nevertheless, despite the disadvantages above, I believe this could be more advantageous for the children. One potentially positive, aspect is that this could enhance the power of the competition, through this they would do immensely better in academics. To put in another way, betterment in their future life ought to be expected as they do good in the prior stage. Moreover, the adoption of good habits and learning new skills will also be added in it. A great impact on their personality can easily be seen. For instance, if there are two friends, one is a spritual, obedient, hard worker and punctual than these good habits of one's must insist the other one to adopt it. So, a positive peer group motivates a child to do better further. In conclusion, embrace good manner as well as to be competitive in a good way far outweigh any of the minor benefits that could result from children involved in with peer group in a negative way.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
young ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
traits. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
put a tremendous impact on
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic disadvantages of the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
on children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Firstly
, adolescents have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
catching power,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
easily
catch the things which are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
for them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those are interesting
as well
as easy to do, along with it fascinated them much. Nowadays, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that youngsters are habitual to intake drugs,
as a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their health.
Furthermore
, along with it increases the crime rate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do crime to have drugs and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their standards. They don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
what would be the effect of it in the nearby future as they are not able to control their self after getting into it.

Nevertheless
, despite the disadvantages above, I believe this could be more advantageous for the children. One
potentially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
, aspect is that this could enhance the power of the competition, through this they would do
The extreme adjective for good is "wonderful", "fantastic", "superb", "perfect", or "excellent".
immensely better
in academics. To put in another way, betterment in their future life ought to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
as they do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
in the prior stage.
Moreover
, the adoption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
habits and learning new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
in it. A great impact on their personality can
easily
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
.
For instance
, if there are two friends, one is a
Possible spelling mistake found.
spritual
, obedient,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
worker and punctual than these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
habits of one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
insist the other one to adopt it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
motivates a child to do better
further
.

In conclusion
, embrace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
manner
as well
as to be competitive in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
way far outweigh any of the minor benefits that could result from children involved in with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay There is a big influence of peer group on children's behaviour. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? What can be done about it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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